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Tuesday, August 31, 2010

My Birthday

Today is my 42nd Birthday. I woke up to a beautiful sunny morning... thankful. I was thankful for all that God has brought me through these past few weeks. I was thankful for showing me who He is again in my life. I was thankful for hearing His voice speak to my heart again. I was thankful for old and new friends, my family and my dogs. I was thankful for health and happiness. Happiness. That is something that had become so foreign to me over the past 10 years. I had forgotten what joy and happiness was. I had tasted so much pain and bitterness for so long the sweet taste of joy and happiness was alien to me. But, now that is all that I taste. It is sweet like honey when joy enters your life. That is the only way I can describe having a personal relationship with God is. Sweet like honey! I would have never thought I would be here at this moment writing about joy. A year ago from today I was crying by myself in my room over my horrible life. I was so lonely and unhappy. What a difference a year makes. Well really, what a difference these last 4 months have made. Today on my birthday I received a package. It was the Thin Within Workbook series. I don't even know why I received this package. I lost every contest I entered to win one, but today on my birthday I received one. I think I have an idea who sent it to me, and to her I can only say it was the best Birthday present I have ever gotten. Thank you. You have blessed me so much and I haven't even formally met you. I prayed hard that I would be able to afford this workbook when I returned to work next week but truth is, it would have taken me a while to have had the extra money to get this workbook. I put my needs last on the list of things that need to be bought. My kids are always first and well, there are sneakers, school supplies and clothes that need to be bought for back to school. That is what I planned to use my Birthday money on as well as my first couple of paychecks. Then I would save up to buy that workbook. Now I don't have to worry. Thank you, you know who, for this workbook. I am not sure what made you do this wonderful thing for me for the second time, but I am forever grateful and God is truly doing a great work in me through it all. Thank you my friend. I wish I could hug you!!!!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Good News!

I just got home from vacation and I am so excited to post to you all. My breast biopsy results were negative. I was so happy to hear from my doctor while on vacation. I had a wonderful vacation and will write more about it to you tomorrow. For now I will rejoice and be glad in the good news.

Friday, August 20, 2010


I leave for vacation tonight. I have been busy all morning packing and doing all the million things that a woman needs to do to prepare their entire family for a week vacation. I am going to leave tonight knowing that God has things under control. I am going to step out in faith, walk out on the water of the unknown and believe that he will hold me up. When the wind starts to blow I will look deep into His eyes and stay the course. I will not let the wind of my current situation of possibly having breast cancer get in the way. If I see it, if I hear it, I will keep walking forward to Him who stands in front of me. Him who is always walking before me, preparing a way for me. Preparing a safe place for me to go. The one who will get me through the fire. I trust Him today. I will know for sure by Monday or Tuesday. I gave Image Care my cell number, and the Doctor has agreed to give me the results over the phone. She was very understanding, that I would be away and could not schedule a time to go in for the results and did not want to wait until I got back from vacation to get the results. She just said she would call me herself and give me my results by Monday or Tuesday morning. Until then I will rest in Him, knowing He has my best interest at heart. He will not let me sink. He will hold me up, carry me if He has to, this I know for sure. I will not have access to a computer. I am leaving my laptop home while I am away. I want to focus on my family and be in every moment of my vacation this week. I will be back on the 29th and I will gladly post my results to you all then. I leave you with this.

"These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold--though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world." 1 Peter 1:7

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Celebrate Health

Sometimes in life God throws us a curve ball. I was thrown one today when I returned back to the Image center to go through some more mammogram testing. As I was being squeezed and pancaked by an obnoxious machine , I was crying out to God; "Please don't let there be anything wrong with me." They took several very uncomfortable images of my right breast and I had to hold my breath through each one. The tests hurt and I felt like I was suffocating. It was horrible to say the least. I went from room to room and tech to tech. After they took images I was moved to the ultrasound room, where yet another tech took several pictures with the sonogram. Then to top it off, I had a biopsy. I had no idea Image Care even did biopsies. But, apparently they do because I had one today. I was numbed up with lanacane (I think I spelled it right, it is similar to Novocaine like dentists use), and then pierced with a needle to scrape away tissue to see if I had cancer tissue. I was beside myself through it all. Crying out to God inside my head and heart; "Why?" Then a doozie... The main Doctor of the entire Breast Center at Image Care came in to speak to me. She explained what all the test results were. Showed me all of the images that were taken and the area in question that was biopsied. She stressed how she was almost certain that everything would be okay and that they were just making sure that everything would be okay by doing the biopsy. I have never been more scared in all my life. Except of course when I found out that my daddy had late stage 3 prostrate cancer. I couldn't help but turn my attention to my father today. How devastated he must have felt the day he was all alone like I was today and going through his biopsy. I began thinking of the millions of people who every day face biopsies and get positive results that they have cancer. Cancer. I have grown to immensely dislike that word. It is a notorious serial killer that comes upon us suddenly and violently assaulting innocent lives. I was screened today for the possibility that I may have been a victim of cancer's ugly crime. I will not let it kill me spiritually though. I will celebrate my health today. I will celebrate that I am living and breathing. I will celebrate that I can hug my kids today and kiss my husband good night tonight. I will celebrate that I leave for vacation tomorrow and that I will enjoy every last moment of it. I will not let the thought of cancer impose upon my life. If I have to face it's ugly face I will. I can. Because I know something that cancer doesn't. I know that God is in control. He has a plan and a future for me. He has given me a hope for that future. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. I can even fight cancer if it is His will for me to do so. So my friends celebrate your health while you have it because you never know when your health will be taken from you. Pray for those who have had their health taken from them. They are the bravest people on our planet and deserve to be prayed for.

"Beloved, I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers." 3 John 1:2

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Freedom Sings

So yesterday I dealt with a serious depression issue. But today is a new morning. A morning which brings a new song to my heart. I reread a poem that I wrote shortly after my dad passed away. I was writing out my feelings of the deepest grief and pain I had ever encountered. I would like to share that with you today.

By Angelina Brignola written January 2004

Can you still stand when you are bent over with burden?

Can you get up even if you have fallen, because the ground all around you is violently shaking?

When the voice of confusion is screaming in your ear, can you still hear His Still Small Voice whispering ever so gently?

When you fall and have no strength left to stand back up, will you trust that His hand will not only lift you up but also allow you to soar on wings like an eagle?

When the distant, cold world keeps shouting NO, will you hear Him who stands right beside you saying YES!?

When you have been stripped naked and you stand bare before Him what will His eyes really see?

When you have been pressed in on every side, what will come out from inside of you?

When the earth is dry and bears no fruit, are your roots deep enough to tap into the stream of living water that knows no end?

Although the trees are barren all around you, is your tree still bearing His fruit?

When the circumstances of life have rendered you helpless, will you have faith and trust that He will see you through?

When the cords of death have entangled you and you feel the bitter sting, what kind of song will you then sing?

Do you hear the drumbeat of His consistent, ever present, ever lasting, unconditional love beat with perfect rhythm? Can you hear His song when you have stopped singing?

It is a song of joy in the midst of your deepest grief and pain.
It is a song of strength when you are in your weakest hour.
It is a song of long suffering and peace when affliction assaults you and confusion consumes you.

His song of love wraps it’s arms around you and covers you in the storm.
His song is everlasting, timeless, limitless, priceless and endless.
His song can be heard by anyone who opens their ears to listen.
His song is unlike any you have ever heard before.
He sings it right now, this very moment, exclusively to all.

You can be pressed down and shaken to the very core but when you hear His song of love you will be running over.

Although the sun does not shine today and you are crying alone in the midst of the darkest hour you have ever known tonight. Hold on, be strong and arise from the ashes. Because the light of His amazing love and grace will shine brighter than the noon day as His Joy will come quickly to greet you in the morning.

I hope that this poem brings you some strength today in whatever weakness you may feel. It always helps me. Even when I get tempted with food and my weight. I apply it to whatever situation is getting me down. God bless you today

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Okay, so yesterday I dealt with depression all day. I was just down. Really down. Normally when I get depressed I run full speed to the kitchen. But, I would not do that yesterday. I wanted to find out where this was all coming from. I wanted to go to the bottom of the pain and resolve it. No matter how much it hurt, I was determined to do this yesterday. In my journey to discover where this depression stemmed from I learned something about myself and about God. I learned that I am not alone. I am not invisible and I am seen and known by a God who loves me unconditionally. So, what was the cause of my depression? I was hesitant to tell anyone because I felt so childish at first, but I must release this because I feel so much lighter today from the disclosure of it. There was a drawing for a TW workbook done on Sunday. I was entered into it along with 2 others. I was praying I would win it because Lord knows I am on a strict budget and I can't afford a lot of extras right now. But, I did not win the drawing. Lindsay did. I am so happy for Lindsay but I was so disappointed I did not win. I brushed off the feelings but for some reason my disappointment turned into depression within a 24 hour period. I was so depressed yesterday, I went up to my room at 6:30 and stayed there isolated until I worked through what I was feeling. Just before that I gobbled down a sloppy Joe and some salsa and chips. I was only at 2 at the time and I ate until 9. Disgusted with myself I retreated to my room. Depression hurts. I felt numb from the pain. Like a zombie. I just wanted to sleep. Why was I so upset about not getting picked for the drawing? I am not a selfish person. I really was glad for Lindsay that she won, but I felt so invisible. Like I didn't mean anything to anyone. But, that is such a lie. I cried out to God to show me where this was all coming from. I know it wasn't from not winning a drawing, it was so much deeper then that. I thought back to how my whole life I have never felt good enough. Never felt important enough. Never felt significant. I was the youngest of 5 children. You would think I would be the spoiled baby in the family. At times I was, but to be honest, I do not remember anything before I was 12. Why is that part of my life a blank? I just remember my whole life trying to fit into a world that I felt separated from. I was picked over in gym class, ignored by the smart kids and left out by the really popular kids. I learned to be a lone ranger. Never getting too close to anyone, because every time I did get close to someone they found something wrong with me and passed me by for someone else. I hated, loathed, despised myself. That is the feelings that began to stir up because I lost a drawing. Deep seeded self hate issues. I cried out to God last night, well really at 2 am this morning because I couldn't sleep. I asked God, what is up with me God? What is wrong with me? Why am I so damaged, so bruised, so full of hate for myself? Why can't I remember anything before the age of 12? What happened to me? God did not answer my question.... there was silence. I felt invisible again. Invisible to a God that sees everything. Why didn't He answer me? Truth is He wanted me to go all the way through the tunnel of my self hatred. Even though it was dark, cold, lonely and I felt invisible. He wanted me to get through to the other side of it. All the while I felt alone and alienated from Him, He was actually carrying me through. Holding me close and carrying me. He lead me to this scripture;

"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

He goes with me through the hardest places of my life. He holds me and never leaves me. He will get me through to the other side of things. Sometimes I get depressed because I am afraid of looking back to find out what is making me depressed. It is like a big mean enemy ready to attack and I feel overpowered by it. But, God assures us He will never leave or forsake us, He will get us through. Our enemies will be a footstool.(Psalm 101:1). Even the enemy of hating ourselves and depression. I know this is a feeling and emotion I will have to revisit. My battle with my self hatred is not over, but there is a huge crack in it's power over me now. I learned all this all because I lost a drawing. So, I am thankful for losing now and Lindsay WHOO HOO to you for winning. Thank you Jesus!

Monday, August 16, 2010

The Names of Jesus

Just reminding myself who He is today. When I feel a little down this helps. He is a my EVERYTHING!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Letting Go

Yesterday morning we had our Thin Within Chat. The topic was about forgiveness. A subject I have been on for the past couple of weeks. A subject that is something I think needs to be worked on our entire lifetime. Forgiveness. Someone brought up that they would eat every time their husband left on a business trip. I could seriously relate to this. When I was first married my husband was a Regional Manager for a Kitchen Supply Company and he traveled weekly to various locations. He was gone at least one or two nights every week. I was stuck home alone with 2 young children. I was also babysitting at the time to make extra money. It was hard enough raising my own two little ones then, to add 2 other toddlers to the mix. I have to say this was an adventurous time in my life. I was exhausted all of the time. I ate non stop. My husband was off on his business trips in nice hotels and getting to eat out. He didn't have to cook or clean and he got to sleep uninterrupted through the night. While I on the other hand was home cooking, cleaning, taking care of the dog, the kids and doing it solo. I became resentful towards my husband and towards my kids. I forgot how bitter and miserable I was until someone brought this topic up in our chat yesterday morning. All day yesterday I forgave my husband for having a job that kept him from me when I needed a little help. I forgave my kids for being so needy, (I mean really, can you believe kids are needy? ) and making me feel so overwhelmed. I let it all go. I felt a huge weight lifted. For the first time in a long time I felt closure. I know this sound trivial, but it was important for me to do this. Even though I was not feeling this way at all anymore I still had to do this. Even though my husband is home ALL OF THE TIME now. I still had to do this. Even though my kids hardly ever need me anymore I still had to do this. I felt such a new found joy for my family. Such a new found happiness and peacefulness. I am so thankful for what Thin Within is doing in my life. I am so thankful that God is teaching me to let go. Plus I lost 2 more pounds this week. My scale works up here. I have 18 to go. I am more then half way there and such a better person for it. Thank you God! Thank you all the ladies in our chat yesterday (especially Heidi).

"Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before..." Philippians 3:13

Saturday, August 14, 2010

The Rock of my Salvation

I was so overwhelmed the last couple of days about my Mammogram report. Two days ago I decided to call my Doctor to find out if she could shed some light on the report for me. I left a message with her answering service and the next morning (Yesterday) my Doctor finally called me back. She read the radiology report to me over the phone. A density was found in my upper right breast. There were no signs of malignancies, suspicious spots or clusters. She used several large medical words I did not understand nor do I remember. But, the bottom line was this. It did not look like cancer. I asked her what density meant. She explained that in a lot of cases when your breast is positioned in a weird way during the test, it can look dense. In most cases density is just from the position of your breast at the time of the test so I do not have anything serious to worry about. They just have to by law make sure that your breast is okay for sure, by getting a clearer picture of it. I was so relieved. I rejoiced all day yesterday. Now today, as I reflect back over the sequence of events I can only come to one conclusion. Life is short and comes with unexpected twists and turns. It is important to have a good foundation in our lives so that when those twists and turns do come and you get blindsided by them you will not crumble. Be careful where you build your life house.

"He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built." Luke 6:48

Even though I was shaken by the storm I knew I had to press into Him in this storm I may have had to face. I was very scared. I was shaken, but I did not crumble. I felt like I was aboout to but, I didn't. This whole experience has just given me more resolve than ever to press on in my journey to lose weight. To reach my 40 pound goal. No matter what lie comes at me. I know where my house is built now. On Him my Rock.

"He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he." Deuteronomy 32:4

He is the rock of my salvation. The one I am built upon. So that when the storms of life enrage around me, and the seas begin to toss high upon the shores in my life. I can rest and know without a doubt He will protect me and keep me standing. I can't wait to see how much more He shows me on my adventure to lose weight.

Friday, August 13, 2010

God is my Healer +Inspirational+

I do not have words to write today. Only this song to sing with you today. He is my healer! The one who holds me in His hands, directs my every step and brings me forward. I do not know what the outcome of my breast exam will bring on Thursday the 19th. But nothing is impossible for Him. Stand with me in prayer as I trust God to bring me through this storm. Thank you for all your prayers. Sing this song as a prayer with me today. There is strength in numbers.

Thursday, August 12, 2010


So yesterday, I was feeling more free then I have in years. Free because I was letting go of so many of the things that so easily entangled me. Free because I was forgiving and loosening the chains that were so heavy around me. I felt like I had just been let out of a dark, dreary prison cell with no window. I was just released from that cell and let out into a beautiful Summer Garden, filled with the most fragrant, colorful flowers and humming birds. Then BOOM! Out of nowhere I get a phone call. It is the Image Center where I had my annual mammogram on Monday. They called to tell me they need me to come in for further tests because they had saw something on my mammogram that they were concerned about. In a dazed confusion I made my appointment for next Thursday, August 19th at 11:00. I hung up the phone and felt numb. I felt scared, confused, deflated and numb. Like the air of my lungs was punched out from me. Like my new found Summer garden had just turned into a tornado. The peace before the storm they call it. Well, not just a storm a tornado or earth quake was more like how I am feeling right now. I went online several times yesterday and looked up breast cancer. I found courageous stories, sad stories, stories of hope and stories of horrible tragedy. But, no comfort. I was even late for my Thin Within Chat last night because I got so caught up with looking at Breast Cancer on the inter net. I don't even like to think about it but it is possible. Everyone of my family members told me not to worry until I know for sure why they called me back for more tests. But, I am worried. I saw my dad get taken away from me at age 66 from Prostrate Cancer 6 years ago. Cancer is a horrific disease. I saw someone in my life waste away from it before my very eyes. Here one minute, gone the next and he did not want to go yet. So here I am in a new freedom and now this. There has to be a reason? Food is the last thing on my mind. In fact I have to force myself to eat today if my stomach growls, because I am not even interested in food at all. So yes, this blog is about my weight lose journey. But today this blog is about me. My life. My story. I do not want to die. I am not sure if that is even a possibility, but just the thought that something may be wrong with me forces me to examine the subject. I am not ready to leave my family. My mom, sisters and brothers, husband and children and my baby dogs. I do not want to leave yet. But, what if God has written the last chapter of my life? What if it is time to live my last chapter? Would I be as courageous as my dad and accept the fatal blow of cancer? Would I be able to drink from the bitter cup of death? He says that He does not give us anything that we can't handle. I pray I am not strong enough to handle this so that He does not give it to me. I don't want it. I want to live longer. I want to see my kids grow up, get married and start families of their own. I want to live to see my grand kids get married and have kids. We all want a long life. We all want the good things in life. But, sometimes we have to drink from the bitter cup. Walk in the shadows. Crawl among the ashes. It is just the way things are sometimes. He is Sovereign. He has a plan. He has a start and a finish for all of us. Please pray for me today. I need your prayers. I am scared. But, I also trust in my Sovereign King who holds my future in His loving hands. God blessing to you all today. Kiss your kids and loved ones and hold them close today. Life is short.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


I saw this video today and it made me realize how important it is to forgive. While I am simmering in chapter 20 of my Thin Within Book about forgiveness. I felt this video was vital to my letting go process of some of the deeper things I need to let go of and to forgive. This video brought cleansing tears of healing to my soul and heart. I hope it does the same for you. We all have someone or something to forgive in our lives. Big or small. Forgive. Let it go and once you do your future will look so much more brighter and hopeful.

"Make allowances for each other's faults, forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others." Colossi ans 3:13

So what does this have to do with losing weight? Well forgiveness frees us. It sets us free from a prison of bitterness and hopelessness. In this freedom we are able to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that everything is going to be okay. We are not wounded from the offences of others. Therefore we can move forward freely without the weight of unforgiveness. For me I would run to food when I was upset about what someone else did to me. Unforgiveness would fester and I would eat even more. But, by releasing this unforgiveness I don't even give food a second thought. It is an amazing freedom. I hope you come to experience it.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

What a Difference A Year Makes

This picture represents Liposuction instruments used by Doctors. OUCH!

At this time last year I had considered meeting with a plastic surgeon to go over some plastic surgery options such as liposuction and a tummy tuck. I had done some research on these topics on the inter net and was weighing out the options. I am so thankful to God that I was not in the financial place to afford these procedures last summer because I would have never had the opportunity to experience my Thin Within adventure this summer. I would have never known if I had taken the easy way out (Plastic Surgery), how rewarding it is to do things God's way (the not so easy way out). Sometimes it is easier as people to just seek out the created things such as Plastic Surgery instead of the Creator Himself. God. It is easier to work 3 jobs and save the money then, to spend not a dime and receive so much more then what Plastic Surgery could give me. You see by taking the not so easy road, I really chose the easier option. God's way is the best way for me. It is the easiest way even though it caused me to let go of my selfish ambitions and run after His plan instead. It would have been a lot easier and a lot quicker for me to get Plastic Surgery. I would have had the instant results I was looking for. But at what risk? I have known people who have had surgeries and have had to get them redone for various reasons. I have known people who have had liposuction and have gained all the weight back. I have heard that people have even lost their lives during such procedures. Liposuction is not the answer. A tummy tuck is not the answer. God is! At least He is for me. You see the way I look at it is like this: If I had Plastic Surgery it would have never caused me to look at the very reason that I ran to food for comfort. Surgery would not have removed the greed and the gluttony that I had in my heart for food. It also would have never caused me to dig deep within and find out why I was running to food in the first place. Therefore, I probably would have gained all of the weight back after going bankrupt to have my instant results. On top of that, I probably would have gained even more weight then I had on me before I had the surgeries. That is what statistics tell me anyways. So why was I so obsessed with surgery last Summer after knowing these statistics? Well, simply because it would have given me the instant slimming results I so desperately wanted. I would have had the desired body I wanted without exercising and making food behave. I was so sick of counting calories and eating tasteless meals to make my weight go down. I wanted the best of both worlds; the body I wanted and the food I wanted. Thus, Plastic Surgery was the answer. Or so I thought. God had a different plan in mind for me. A plan of total surrender to a master surgeon. Yes, I did have surgery. Heart surgery that is. God used His skilled surgeon hands to cut out all the weights in my heart, all the things that pulled me towards food. The weight came pouring off. This kind of surgery, the kind that God does lasts forever. There is no fear that I will gain the weight back if I continually allow myself to go under his surgeons knife. The best part of it all is that it is free. I just have to surrender. Fully surrender. Through the surrendering there is transformation. My size 14 shrunk down to a size 6. I went down 4 sizes in 4 months. Yes liposuction and a tummy tuck could have given me results like this too, but would the results have lasted? I think not. I still would have run to food for comfort and eventually I would have put the weight back on and probably have felt even more hopeless then ever. Thank God He has called me by name and I heard Him. Oh! By the way, I can eat whatever I want and still lose the weight His way. No calorie counting or tasteless foods required. My Thin Within Adventure has brought me a freedom that is unbelievable, unimaginable and quite remarkable. Because He is UNBELIEVABLE, UNIMAGINABLE, REMARKABLE, WONDERFUL, TO MARVELOUS FOR WORDS!

"O LORD, I will honor and praise your name, for you are my God. You do such wonderful things! You planned them long ago, and now you have accomplished them." Isaiah 25:1

Monday, August 9, 2010

In the Details

Over the past month the Lord has really worked out some of the big issues in my life. Huge details of my life that were just easier to ignore rather then to deal with. Thin Within showed me how to deal with them. I felt weights lift off me day by day. Freedom surge week after week and I was able to release more physical weight as well. I am much lighter physically, mentally and spiritually. Closer to my goal of losing 40 pounds. I am at 127 pounds today. I lost a total of 20 pounds since I started this journey. I have my last 20 pounds to go. Now I have to face all of the little details in my life. The small things that add up to 20 more pounds of extra baggage. Things like letting go of control, walking in His promises, having more faith and trusting God for the little things as well as the big things. I learned from a banker once that they are taught to detect counterfeit money by studying the real thing. So in order to detect all the false little details of my life. The little lies that I have believed over the years I must study the real thing. God. Sit at his feet and learn about who He is again. Dig into His word and feast. Listen for His voice and respond, and to be grateful for the bumpy journey thus far. For some reason all of the larger pieces of baggage I was carrying around with me skewed my vision of who God really is. I am learning to be grateful again. Learning to hear His voice speak to me again. I am writing again. I was a passionate journaler all of my life. But, when circumstances started to intensify in my life, I stopped writing. I had writers block for 12 years. Now, that block has been lifted since I started Thin Within. I can write again! I started this blog and a personal journal that I write in by hand every day. This new small detail of writing again has added a magnanimous resolution to my life that has brought both freedom and a beam of glorious light that illuminates the dark places in my heart. I can finally see that there is hope for my future again. I know that I will reach my goal weight of 107 pounds. That is a healthy weight for me. The last 20 pounds may not come off as quickly as the first 20 did, but I know that it will come off. I will take my time allowing God to work on the little details of my life, one by one, inch by inch, and pound by precious pound.

"...not even the smallest detail of God's law will disappear until its purpose is achieved." Matthew 5:18

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Sunday Morning

It is Sunday. My day of rest. Even though it began at the crack of dawn when my dogs Chance and Jammer jumped up on me and started to simultaneously lick my face until I woke up from a deep sleep. They did their job perfectly waking me up. They were ready for their morning walk. One of my 3 goals for the Thin Within Goals is to run one of the walks I take my dogs on. So, today I thought I would give it a go. Normally I lose my breath just thinking about running, but today I am proud to say I get to tell a new story. I ran. Not very fast, but I ran. I did not lose my breath, feel like I was going to throw up or get a cramp. I just eased into it and felt good doing it. I use to be a long distance runner when I first met my husband in 1990. I ran at least 8 miles a day with no problem what so ever. I ran all the way up until I had my first son Christian 16 years ago. Then I switched over to biking. I was not fanatical about exercise. I just enjoyed running. There was something therapeutic about it. I used my running time as a prayer time with the Lord. It was just me, Him and the road. I was able to learn many new things from God during this special time with Him. When I switched over to biking it became mine and my son Christians singing time. We sang every song we could think of together as we road along on the bike. I had a special seat put on my bike just for him to sit in. We loved our time together on the bike. It all ended after my second son Dominic came along. I just didn't have the time anymore. So I started to just take short walks when I could fit one in with the two boys in their double stroller. During this time of no running or biking in my life (the last 13 years to be exact), I noticed a steady climb in my weight. I use to think that exercise was the key and that if I just started to exercise I would lose the extra weight I put on over the inactive years of my life. But, all of us Thin Withiners know this is not true. So, as you can imagine, I failed at every attempt to lose weight with diet and exercise. It wasn't until I surrendered my stomach and my eating to the Lord that I began to lose the weight. Now after 4 months of Thin Within, my heart is in a new place. A place that knows it is through Him and Him alone I will lose all my weight. Now that I have reached this place I can finally without false hopes in my heart restore running back into my life. So I am. I have no goals on how many miles I will run. I just have a goal to start to run again. For temple maintenance. It is good for your heart and body. So, I am thrilled that I can have my prayer time of running back with the Lord. Along with two special guests, my Chance and Jammmer. They love to run. It is good for us all. I am grateful this Sunday morning that God is restoring my health. That God is restoring running to my life again. He is faithful. He always comes through. He has brought me from a sluggish, heavy place. To a energetic, free place. I am free indeed!

"...I rejoice like a great athlete eager to run the race." Psalm 19:5

Saturday, August 7, 2010


My whole life I would strive to be perfect. The perfect daughter. The perfect friend. The perfect sister. The perfect mother. The perfect wife. The perfect Christian. The perfect everything. Trying to be perfect is exhausting and depressing because it is not something we can ever achieve until we get to heaven. But... try convincing a perfectionist of this and you have a serious fight on your hands. You see, when I fail at something I would usually go into a depression about it or a denial. I would numb myself with food from the pain of not fitting into the perfect mold I thought I needed to fit into. When I was faced with adversity, I would pull the shades, lie in fetal position and cry, cry, cry! Or I would run to kitchen and eat, eat, eat! I was depressed and overweight. Yet, I did this when I was alone only. I never tried to let people know how depressed I was on the inside. How hopeless I felt. I hid this side of myself. I had to be the one who was strong. I have to be the "good" one. The one who had it all together while all around me my life was falling apart into many fractured pieces. Pieces that were as small as dust particles floated around me and put me in a deep depressing fog. I was overwhelmed by my circumstances and would use food to anesthetize myself to the pain of it all. I felt like there was no hope for me on the inside. Yet, on the outside I tried to make it all seem like everything was perfect and things were fine. My pretend perfect world was a world I lived in most of my life. I was too afraid to face myself in the mirror, because I was so unhappy with myself and the way my life had turned out. Most people who feel like a failure tend to be perfectionists. At least this is true for me. I felt like a failure so I had to be perfect at everything to make the imperfections go away. Thus, I felt a void and tried to fill it with lots and lots of food. Mangia was my middle name. But I am learning that I am accepted flaws and all by a flawless God. I do not have to be perfect nor am I expected to be perfect. I just need to be His. When I start to strive and be the old fake perfect self I remind myself that Jesus is the only perfect man that walked this earth and I am not Him. I am made in His image, but I am not Him. I need Him to save me from myself every day. So I let Him save me every day. Instead of trying to save myself and be the best at everything, I let Jesus be my Savior now. I had to forgive myself for being so hard on myself, and I had to let myself be rescued by a Savior who loves me flawed and all. We can't save ourselves, from ourselves by being perfect. We need a perfect Savior to do that. So I let God be God and I let Him save me today from my fake perfect world and all that that implies. I forgave myself for disappointing myself all of these years. Thank God for forgiveness. It sets us free to be exclusively His, and Him to be our Saviour.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:8-9

Friday, August 6, 2010


So yesterday in the midst of my frustration I read chapter 20 of the Thin Within Book. It was all about forgiveness. FORGIVENESS! How can I forgive this, that or the other thing? How can I forgive him for doing that to me or her for doing this to me? But, God does ask us to forgive.
"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
Colossians 3:13

Forgiving someone who has hurt us deeply can be so difficult. There have been several people in my life that have hurt me deeply. In Chapter 20 I had to list them by name and then release each one. I found that by doing this I was actually able to release myself. I may have to continue to do this several times before I truly let some of the bigger grudges and unforgiveness in my heart go. I am not a bitter person or anything, but there are just some injustices that happen in our lives at the hand of others that take us a while to release and forgive. So I am going to take my time in this exercise. I found myself even having to forgive God for allowing me to go through some of the difficult things I have had to go through in my life. I was angry and mad at God for testing me so much with difficulties. I had to release my anger and forgive God and I felt so free in doing this. During this time of reading Chapter 20 and writing in my journal all of the releases and forgiveness prayers for each person and circumstance I did not even think of food once. I had a great eating day yesterday. I feel lighter in my heart and in my body and I am ready to forgive, release and let go again today. I am going to reread Chapter 20 before I go into Part III of the book. I am going to take my time and simmer in this Chapter a bit. Allow God to burn away some of the fat of unforgiveness and the bitterness in my life until I am a sweet aroma in His nostrils today. Fat representing my unforgivness towards others. Fat that gives me no peace. So that my High Priest (Jesus) can make atonement for me and set me free. I want to be fat free today and every day that follows. I choose to forgive today. FORGIVE,
let go, and be set free! To no longer be a bitter taste and smell. But to be sweet. That is what forgiveness can do.
"And all its fat he shall burn on the altar, like the fat of the sacrifice of peace offerings. So the priest shall make atonement for him for his sin, and he shall be forgiven." Leviticus 4:26

Thursday, August 5, 2010


Frustrated! I am just frustrated. I went to the Doctors yesterday and was weighed. I only lost 3 pounds more since I left work over a month ago. I know this is not where God wants me to stay. I know I am not at my healthy weight yet. I have to lose 15 more pounds at least. I really want to lose 20 more pounds. But that might be unrealistic. I am praying about it all, to see at what number God really wants me to be. But is it a number I must shoot for here? I do not think so. So what am I so frustrated about? Well my weight yes. But the things that are causing my weight is what I am most upset about today. I have been on cloud nine since I started Thin Within about 3 weeks ago. But, I had been losing weight before I started. I actually lost most of weight before I started. 16 pounds to be exact. Before Thin Within I was doing Weigh Down. Which is the same principal as Thin Within eating only when you are at 0 (they call it a stomach growl), and stopping when you are full. I did not like the way I always felt convicted when I used WD. I use to listen to the free WD videos online and I would feel so convicted all of the time. Thin Within calls this "Club of Condemnation". I didn't really focus on my heart towards life with WD. I only focused on my heart towards food. It was only when I found Thin Within by accident that I started to really deal with my heart issues about life. Thin Within's approach may seem the same at first as Weigh Down, but the heart of Thin Within is s different then the heart of Weigh Down. It is really like apples and oranges. Both fruit, but totally different!
So what does this have to do with why I am frustrated today? Well you see I like to bring out that club and beat myself a lot. If I do not see fast results and get instant relief, I tend to feel like a failure. Thus, the "club of condemnation" is always at an arms length reach for me to grab and club myself senseless with. I am actually beating myself with one hand and typing with the other right at this very moment. I feel like 3 pounds is hardly enough weight to release in the 4 week period since I last weighed myself. But hey it is still 3 pounds more that I lost and not 3 pounds that I gained right? Why am I so much of a control freak? Why do I beat myself up so much? I guess I have a lot to learn don't I? I have not arrived yet by any means. The last 20 pounds will be the ones that will come off slowly, with a vicious fight but they will come off. Because: "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" Philippians 1:6
I must not forget this. But, I sometimes do.
How about you? What frustrates you about this Thin Within journey you are on? Please write me back, I could use the encouragement today.
God bless you all on your journeys.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:14

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Thank You God

We are going over God's Attributes in my Thin Within Group Chats and studies. Here is a list of some that I started to work on. This list is not finished yet. Also, I have included a visual of some of the ones dear to my heart. Hope you enjoy. Apply these attributes to your day. When life tells us no we can't. Remember who He is and know that God says yes we can! He is AWESOME! When food calls out to me and I am not at 0 I try to remember who He is and the temptation usually goes away. I may have to do this several times during the day. When I am upset or anxious about something, I read my list that I started and watch this video I have included. Sometimes I need both. Hope these help.

Attributes of God
By: Angelina

The Prince of glory,
Everlasting King.
He is my strong tower,
A Shelter over me.
He is my hiding place,
A Warrior,
A King.
He is the Great I am,
He has rescued me.
He is the Prince of peace,
The one who calms the raging sea.
He is the great physician,
My fortress when I am weak.
He is the Lion of the tribe of Judah,
The all consuming fire.
He is Jehovah Rapha
The one who heals me.
He is the King of kings,
The Lord or lords,
The Redeemer,
The Rock of all ages,
The Anchor,
The one true God.
He is my all in all,
My everything,
My one and only.
He is the truth,
The way,
The life.
He is the Alpha and Omega,
Beginning and End.
He is also everything in between.
He is my hope for the future.
The restorer of the breach.
The beauty for my ashes
He is the song that I sing,
The song that I dance to.
He is the cornerstone,
The one the builders rejected.
He is the Saviour,
The Messiah,
The Lamb who was slain for me.
He is my defender,
My shield in times of trouble,
My protector,
My best friend.
He is to me what no other can ever be,
My hero.
He is indescribable,
He is undeniable,
He is uncontainable.
He is Amazing!

Monday, August 2, 2010

Come Awake!

This is a very powerful video that touched my heart deeply. It is timely for me to post this today. I have been set free from so much these past four months on my adventure to lose weight. I share this video today to remind myself and others of the great miracles that have taken place already and the ones I have a hope to be set free from tomorrow. God is AWESOME! Behold Him today. COME AWAKE!

Cast Your Anxiety on Him

Yesterday even though I wrote about a new season in my life, I had a bad eating day. I ate outside of 0-5 almost all day. You see, I was worried. I was stressed because I was worried, and I was emotional. With these 3 strikes against me I was sure to have a bad day. In truth I have always been a worry wort. I worry about worrying. But God tells us to :

"cast all your anxieties on Him because He cares for us.." 1 Peter 5:7

I know this scripture by heart, but it totally slipped my mind yesterday when I was eating everything in sight because I was anxious. I am anxious because I leave for vacation on the 20th and I have to leave my beloved dogs at home. My 20 year old nephew is coming to house sit and dog sit for me while I am gone. But, I am still nervous about it. My dogs mean a great deal to me and I want to care for them, because I don't think any one else can care for them the way I can. I am WORRIED I am ANXIOUS. So much in fact, that in the midst of the new spring song I am hearing and the new dance moves I am learning to this new song; I ate, I ate and I ate some more. But God spoke to me this morning through a great woman of God that I met through the Thin Within Website. She spoke today in her blog about "The Divine Marble Jar". She even had a video teaching on her blog. As always this woman spoke to my heart. She said that even when we mess up not one marble will be taken out of the jar. The marble jar represents all of the good moments in our journey. All of the moments we did do the right thing and eat the right way.I encourage you to view her blog especially if you have had a bad eating day. You can view her blog at:

I also have her blog listed under my favorite links category on my blog.

Remember today that yesterday is gone and:

"He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."
Revelation 21:5

Amen to that!

Sunday, August 1, 2010

A New Song

As I sit and stare out onto the water; reflecting, relaxing, feeling alive again. I realize that the Winter Season of my life is over now. Gone! Spring has finally arrived. I see buds on the trees where leaves will start to form, green grass that once was buried under many feet of snow. The snow is melted, the ice has thawed and I am in a new place. A place where the meadow flowers are about to start blooming. A rainbow of colors are about to burst forth and a beautiful fragrance will again fill the air all around me. Yes the winter was long. It was cold. It was lifeless and colorless. But now comes the Spring. The birds have returned home to their trees singing their lovely songs. The trees of the fields all clap their hands. I finally can dance again to the music of Spring. Yes, Winter is hard. The song of winter is sad and brings many tears. But, this song is vital. Because without the Winter song we would never learn to dance when spring sings to us a new song. This new song of Spring brings with it a hope for the future to hear the Symphony of Summer.

"You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands."
Isaiah 55:12