Perfectionist

My whole life I would strive to be perfect. The perfect daughter. The perfect friend. The perfect sister. The perfect mother. The perfect wife. The perfect Christian. The perfect everything. Trying to be perfect is exhausting and depressing because it is not something we can ever achieve until we get to heaven. But... try convincing a perfectionist of this and you have a serious fight on your hands. You see, when I fail at something I would usually go into a depression about it or a denial. I would numb myself with food from the pain of not fitting into the perfect mold I thought I needed to fit into. When I was faced with adversity, I would pull the shades, lie in fetal position and cry, cry, cry! Or I would run to kitchen and eat, eat, eat! I was depressed and overweight. Yet, I did this when I was alone only. I never tried to let people know how depressed I was on the inside. How hopeless I felt. I hid this side of myself. I had to be the one who was strong. I have to be the "good" one. The one who had it all together while all around me my life was falling apart into many fractured pieces. Pieces that were as small as dust particles floated around me and put me in a deep depressing fog. I was overwhelmed by my circumstances and would use food to anesthetize myself to the pain of it all. I felt like there was no hope for me on the inside. Yet, on the outside I tried to make it all seem like everything was perfect and things were fine. My pretend perfect world was a world I lived in most of my life. I was too afraid to face myself in the mirror, because I was so unhappy with myself and the way my life had turned out. Most people who feel like a failure tend to be perfectionists. At least this is true for me. I felt like a failure so I had to be perfect at everything to make the imperfections go away. Thus, I felt a void and tried to fill it with lots and lots of food. Mangia was my middle name. But I am learning that I am accepted flaws and all by a flawless God. I do not have to be perfect nor am I expected to be perfect. I just need to be His. When I start to strive and be the old fake perfect self I remind myself that Jesus is the only perfect man that walked this earth and I am not Him. I am made in His image, but I am not Him. I need Him to save me from myself every day. So I let Him save me every day. Instead of trying to save myself and be the best at everything, I let Jesus be my Savior now. I had to forgive myself for being so hard on myself, and I had to let myself be rescued by a Savior who loves me flawed and all. We can't save ourselves, from ourselves by being perfect. We need a perfect Savior to do that. So I let God be God and I let Him save me today from my fake perfect world and all that that implies. I forgave myself for disappointing myself all of these years. Thank God for forgiveness. It sets us free to be exclusively His, and Him to be our Saviour.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:8-9