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Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Okay, so yesterday I dealt with depression all day. I was just down. Really down. Normally when I get depressed I run full speed to the kitchen. But, I would not do that yesterday. I wanted to find out where this was all coming from. I wanted to go to the bottom of the pain and resolve it. No matter how much it hurt, I was determined to do this yesterday. In my journey to discover where this depression stemmed from I learned something about myself and about God. I learned that I am not alone. I am not invisible and I am seen and known by a God who loves me unconditionally. So, what was the cause of my depression? I was hesitant to tell anyone because I felt so childish at first, but I must release this because I feel so much lighter today from the disclosure of it. There was a drawing for a TW workbook done on Sunday. I was entered into it along with 2 others. I was praying I would win it because Lord knows I am on a strict budget and I can't afford a lot of extras right now. But, I did not win the drawing. Lindsay did. I am so happy for Lindsay but I was so disappointed I did not win. I brushed off the feelings but for some reason my disappointment turned into depression within a 24 hour period. I was so depressed yesterday, I went up to my room at 6:30 and stayed there isolated until I worked through what I was feeling. Just before that I gobbled down a sloppy Joe and some salsa and chips. I was only at 2 at the time and I ate until 9. Disgusted with myself I retreated to my room. Depression hurts. I felt numb from the pain. Like a zombie. I just wanted to sleep. Why was I so upset about not getting picked for the drawing? I am not a selfish person. I really was glad for Lindsay that she won, but I felt so invisible. Like I didn't mean anything to anyone. But, that is such a lie. I cried out to God to show me where this was all coming from. I know it wasn't from not winning a drawing, it was so much deeper then that. I thought back to how my whole life I have never felt good enough. Never felt important enough. Never felt significant. I was the youngest of 5 children. You would think I would be the spoiled baby in the family. At times I was, but to be honest, I do not remember anything before I was 12. Why is that part of my life a blank? I just remember my whole life trying to fit into a world that I felt separated from. I was picked over in gym class, ignored by the smart kids and left out by the really popular kids. I learned to be a lone ranger. Never getting too close to anyone, because every time I did get close to someone they found something wrong with me and passed me by for someone else. I hated, loathed, despised myself. That is the feelings that began to stir up because I lost a drawing. Deep seeded self hate issues. I cried out to God last night, well really at 2 am this morning because I couldn't sleep. I asked God, what is up with me God? What is wrong with me? Why am I so damaged, so bruised, so full of hate for myself? Why can't I remember anything before the age of 12? What happened to me? God did not answer my question.... there was silence. I felt invisible again. Invisible to a God that sees everything. Why didn't He answer me? Truth is He wanted me to go all the way through the tunnel of my self hatred. Even though it was dark, cold, lonely and I felt invisible. He wanted me to get through to the other side of it. All the while I felt alone and alienated from Him, He was actually carrying me through. Holding me close and carrying me. He lead me to this scripture;

"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

He goes with me through the hardest places of my life. He holds me and never leaves me. He will get me through to the other side of things. Sometimes I get depressed because I am afraid of looking back to find out what is making me depressed. It is like a big mean enemy ready to attack and I feel overpowered by it. But, God assures us He will never leave or forsake us, He will get us through. Our enemies will be a footstool.(Psalm 101:1). Even the enemy of hating ourselves and depression. I know this is a feeling and emotion I will have to revisit. My battle with my self hatred is not over, but there is a huge crack in it's power over me now. I learned all this all because I lost a drawing. So, I am thankful for losing now and Lindsay WHOO HOO to you for winning. Thank you Jesus!


Heidi Bylsma said...

You are precious, Angelina. God is doing a huge work in you. You are special, dear, unique...and a blessing to me. God has used you to encourage my heart just so much. Thank you for being authentic, for being his so deeply.

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