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Tuesday, February 21, 2012


Inadequacy... this word has haunted me all of my life. I have felt, tasted, lived and breathed this word. I have believed the lie of this word. Believed it stronger and harder than any other belief I have ever believed. Why? Why do I fall prey to this lie over and over again? Why?

I try to go over in my head where the lie of inadequacy first began it's deadly assault upon my life. The war was waged quite early in my life. I was led to believe I was an accident, led to believe that I was not good enough and led to believe that I would NEVER measure up.

I was picked over in gym, never given much of a glance from any teachers and I was certainly the brunt of many cruel and hurtful remarks by my fellow classmates most of my school year days. Yes, I was bullied. Beat up. Overlooked. Ignored. Made fun of. I was all of these things, summing up that I was INADEQUATE! NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

Here are some synonyms for inadequate : inapt, incompetent; incommensurate; defective, imperfect, incomplete.

My whole life I felt the burden of all of these words in my life. Every last one of them. These words have either screamed in my face or whispered in my ear that I am a failure. I will never succeed. I am the tail not the head. Stomping every last bit of hope I have ever had to succeed.

I have been trying to retrain my mind with God's promise of who I am and what I am worth. Reminding myself on a daily occasion that I am worth the death of an innocent man. I am priceless and valuable. I am the kid of the King of Kings. I can do ALL things... and the list goes on. Why do I have to work so hard to believe truth rather than lies? Why am I so deceived by the lie of inadequacy? When will I learn... finally learn that God will not abandon me as others have. He will perfect me. Fine tune me...

"The LORD will fulfill [his purpose] for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever--do not abandon the works of your hands."
Psalm 138:8

I will remember this instead of that. I am not inadequate, I am being perfected!

Sunday, February 12, 2012

I Am Created On Purpose

I have been learning that the noise inside my head can be silenced. The lies that have held on tight to my mindset all of these years can be transformed by truth. I can finally see the light in the dark places. A break in the clouds. A rainbow after the storm. It is here. It has always been here. My views of them have just been limited. Limited by the mountain... by the thick smoke... by the heavy rain. But, the mountain has been removed, the smoke has lifted and the rain has stopped. NO MORE LIES!

I believed for the longest time I was not wanted or planned. I thought I was an accident. I was told that I was a huge surprise to my parents. My mom had thought she was in menopause when she discovered she was pregnant for me. She had no idea I was there. I took her by surprise. There is a nine year gap between me and my oldest sister. Although my mom and dad have always told me they loved me and that I brought joy to their lives, just knowing I was not planned and came as a surprise somehow made me think I was not wanted... I was an inconvenience. I am not sure why this lie gripped it's ugly grip into my soul, my essence... but it has. It has in ways that have really held me back. In ways that have made me think for the longest time, I don't fit in... I'm not good enough and I will never be of any great importance.

I struggled my whole life with the carrying of the burden that I was not wanted. It has shown up in my schooling, when I was at the bottom of the class. It has shown up in my friendships, when I have held on too tight thinking I will be rejected. It has shown up in my marriage, when I have thought that I could never be the woman my husband really wants. It has shown up in my parenting, thinking I will never be a good enough mother. I have been insecure about who I am and what I am worth my entire existence. But the lies stop now! I choose from this day forward to apply the truth of God's word as to who I am and what I am worth.

" And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows."
Luke 12:7

I am of value. Great value. I am cared for and loved by a God that comes close enough to count the very hairs on my head. He knows me. He sees me. He loves me. I was not an accident. I was created on purpose! God has a plan, a very important mission for me to accomplish. The lies stop today! I will believe what He says about me. I will believe I have a purpose, I have a meaning, I AM WANTED, I AM USEFUL! are you!

Friday, February 10, 2012

The Unbeaten Path

Life is filled with bumpy roads. I just hit a huge crater recently. I have two teenage boys... need I say more? My oldest son is like a big jack hammer. He creates BIG holes in the road. He doesn't mean to. He just does. So... I have to keep driving. No matter what! Drive past the gigantic holes that my son makes as he jackhammers away in his life, in my life and in our lives as a family.

I love my kids with all of my heart, but boy is it difficult being a good parent in today's world. I know... there is nothing new under the sun, but I have to tell you it looks to me like a whole new world out there these days then the world I knew as a teenager. The inter net is wonderful, but it opens doors of opportunities that I would rather my two boys not have the key to open.

My kids are really good kids, but they are not perfect. They make mistakes. They make holes in the road, making your journey as a parent more challenging. There are moments in my day where I just want to throw in the towel because it seems I will never get past the craters that they create. Then God comes in like a flood and assures me I am well equipped to get by. There is a old dirty, bumpy and winding side road I can take as a detour and I will reach my final destination. Sure... there may be a delay in me getting there. But, I WILL GET THERE!

I am trying to enjoy the scenery along the way with each unbeaten path I have to take. I am amazed at the wonderful things I am able to see, that I might not have seen have I taken the freeway the whole way. Life is full of surprises that way.

"Adversity is the first path to truth."
Lord Byron

This quote says it well. Adversity causes us to find truth. When we have to face something difficult we finally discover, surprisingly discover:

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:26

...Even on the unbeaten path!

Friday, February 3, 2012

Peace Is A Gift

Sometimes life is so busy you can barely catch your breath. My life has been this busy lately. I use to get all worked up when life was in hyper speed. Now... I just go with it. Time has a way of mellowing us. The things I use to do and the responses I use to have are so far removed from my life these days. I am much more at peace with life and with myself now. Before I use to get all out of whack, now I just roll with the punches. Even the hard punches. I have learned over the years that life is very unpredictable and we cannot control it. I use to try to control it and get so frustrated when things did not turn out the way that I wanted them to. Now, I just let go. The strings of control that I white knuckle gripped onto I have turned over to God. I let go and let Him have them. He is now in control. So... when things get crazy in my life I know I am in good hands. That it will all be okay. He is there holding me... guiding me... making all things new, refreshed and wonderful! God gives us the greatest gift when we let go and allow Him full control of our lives. PEACE.... PURE PEACE! A peace that takes away all fear of trouble, problems and the hard hits that life sometimes gives us. I pray you all find this peace.

"I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid."
-John 14:27