Inadequacy

Inadequacy... this word has haunted me all of my life. I have felt, tasted, lived and breathed this word. I have believed the lie of this word. Believed it stronger and harder than any other belief I have ever believed. Why? Why do I fall prey to this lie over and over again? Why?

I try to go over in my head where the lie of inadequacy first began it's deadly assault upon my life. The war was waged quite early in my life. I was led to believe I was an accident, led to believe that I was not good enough and led to believe that I would NEVER measure up.

I was picked over in gym, never given much of a glance from any teachers and I was certainly the brunt of many cruel and hurtful remarks by my fellow classmates most of my school year days. Yes, I was bullied. Beat up. Overlooked. Ignored. Made fun of. I was all of these things, summing up that I was INADEQUATE! NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

Here are some synonyms for inadequate : inapt, incompetent; incommensurate; defective, imperfect, incomplete.

My whole life I felt the burden of all of these words in my life. Every last one of them. These words have either screamed in my face or whispered in my ear that I am a failure. I will never succeed. I am the tail not the head. Stomping every last bit of hope I have ever had to succeed.

I have been trying to retrain my mind with God's promise of who I am and what I am worth. Reminding myself on a daily occasion that I am worth the death of an innocent man. I am priceless and valuable. I am the kid of the King of Kings. I can do ALL things... and the list goes on. Why do I have to work so hard to believe truth rather than lies? Why am I so deceived by the lie of inadequacy? When will I learn... finally learn that God will not abandon me as others have. He will perfect me. Fine tune me...

"The LORD will fulfill [his purpose] for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever--do not abandon the works of your hands."
Psalm 138:8

I will remember this instead of that. I am not inadequate, I am being perfected!

I Am Created On Purpose

I have been learning that the noise inside my head can be silenced. The lies that have held on tight to my mindset all of these years can be transformed by truth. I can finally see the light in the dark places. A break in the clouds. A rainbow after the storm. It is here. It has always been here. My views of them have just been limited. Limited by the mountain... by the thick smoke... by the heavy rain. But, the mountain has been removed, the smoke has lifted and the rain has stopped. NO MORE LIES!

I believed for the longest time I was not wanted or planned. I thought I was an accident. I was told that I was a huge surprise to my parents. My mom had thought she was in menopause when she discovered she was pregnant for me. She had no idea I was there. I took her by surprise. There is a nine year gap between me and my oldest sister. Although my mom and dad have always told me they loved me and that I brought joy to their lives, just knowing I was not planned and came as a surprise somehow made me think I was not wanted... I was an inconvenience. I am not sure why this lie gripped it's ugly grip into my soul, my essence... but it has. It has in ways that have really held me back. In ways that have made me think for the longest time, I don't fit in... I'm not good enough and I will never be of any great importance.

I struggled my whole life with the carrying of the burden that I was not wanted. It has shown up in my schooling, when I was at the bottom of the class. It has shown up in my friendships, when I have held on too tight thinking I will be rejected. It has shown up in my marriage, when I have thought that I could never be the woman my husband really wants. It has shown up in my parenting, thinking I will never be a good enough mother. I have been insecure about who I am and what I am worth my entire existence. But the lies stop now! I choose from this day forward to apply the truth of God's word as to who I am and what I am worth.

" And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows."
Luke 12:7

I am of value. Great value. I am cared for and loved by a God that comes close enough to count the very hairs on my head. He knows me. He sees me. He loves me. I was not an accident. I was created on purpose! God has a plan, a very important mission for me to accomplish. The lies stop today! I will believe what He says about me. I will believe I have a purpose, I have a meaning, I AM WANTED, I AM USEFUL!

...so are you!

The Unbeaten Path

Life is filled with bumpy roads. I just hit a huge crater recently. I have two teenage boys... need I say more? My oldest son is like a big jack hammer. He creates BIG holes in the road. He doesn't mean to. He just does. So... I have to keep driving. No matter what! Drive past the gigantic holes that my son makes as he jackhammers away in his life, in my life and in our lives as a family.

I love my kids with all of my heart, but boy is it difficult being a good parent in today's world. I know... there is nothing new under the sun, but I have to tell you it looks to me like a whole new world out there these days then the world I knew as a teenager. The inter net is wonderful, but it opens doors of opportunities that I would rather my two boys not have the key to open.

My kids are really good kids, but they are not perfect. They make mistakes. They make holes in the road, making your journey as a parent more challenging. There are moments in my day where I just want to throw in the towel because it seems I will never get past the craters that they create. Then God comes in like a flood and assures me I am well equipped to get by. There is a old dirty, bumpy and winding side road I can take as a detour and I will reach my final destination. Sure... there may be a delay in me getting there. But, I WILL GET THERE!

I am trying to enjoy the scenery along the way with each unbeaten path I have to take. I am amazed at the wonderful things I am able to see, that I might not have seen have I taken the freeway the whole way. Life is full of surprises that way.

"Adversity is the first path to truth."
Lord Byron

This quote says it well. Adversity causes us to find truth. When we have to face something difficult we finally discover, surprisingly discover:

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:26

...Even on the unbeaten path!

Peace Is A Gift

Sometimes life is so busy you can barely catch your breath. My life has been this busy lately. I use to get all worked up when life was in hyper speed. Now... I just go with it. Time has a way of mellowing us. The things I use to do and the responses I use to have are so far removed from my life these days. I am much more at peace with life and with myself now. Before I use to get all out of whack, now I just roll with the punches. Even the hard punches. I have learned over the years that life is very unpredictable and we cannot control it. I use to try to control it and get so frustrated when things did not turn out the way that I wanted them to. Now, I just let go. The strings of control that I white knuckle gripped onto I have turned over to God. I let go and let Him have them. He is now in control. So... when things get crazy in my life I know I am in good hands. That it will all be okay. He is there holding me... guiding me... making all things new, refreshed and wonderful! God gives us the greatest gift when we let go and allow Him full control of our lives. PEACE.... PURE PEACE! A peace that takes away all fear of trouble, problems and the hard hits that life sometimes gives us. I pray you all find this peace.

"I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid."
-John 14:27

It Is Still Only Monday

It is amazing how many times in one day I wish my life away. I wish this work day was over... I wish it was Friday when it is only Monday... Why do I do this? Why can't I just enjoy the moment I am in... Savor it... Relax in it. Why?
I am trying to teach myself to be content in ALL things. To not whine so much over things that I have no control over and cannot change. I can't make it Friday when it is still only Monday... So, why wish it was when it is not? Why do I wish life away?
Do not be anxious about anything... NADA... NOTHING!!! I think this scripture includes what day I want it to be.
There is one thing I know for certain: Life is short, really short! We are only given a certain number of days on earth so why do I spend some of those precious moments of my numbered days wishing life away? On the contrary I should live in the right here, right now moments or I will miss the beauty... the priceless, precious beauty of the moment.
So... today I chose to live in the moment... To be thankful for the right now... Even though it is still only Monday.

"Let him who would enjoy a good future waste none of his present."
-Roger Babson

The Head And Not The Tail

"The LORD will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the LORD your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never at the bottom."
-Deuteronomy 28:13

I AM the head and not the tail... these words are so inspirational to me. I AM!! You are!! We do not have to feel like failures the rest of our lives. We are not failures, we are not on the bottom... we are ON THE TOP! First choice, a stand out from the rest.

I am allowing these words to penetrate through years of feeling like I will never amount to anything. I am allowing GOD'S WORD to penetrate the lies I have believed for far to long. I AM favored, blessed, redeemed, sanctified... a STAND OUT. I AM!!! These are the things I focus on now. I will never focus on what I have failed at no longer. I will never dwell on all of the places in my life that I have fallen. I will instead dwell on the truth of God's word... I AM THE HEAD AND NOT THE TAIL. I AM!!! I will dwell on this. Yes, I have fallen a million numbers of times... I have gotten up stronger EVERY time, and I am still going. Yes, I have failed too many times to count... but, I have been successful way more times then I have failed. His success is my crown of glory. I will wear that crown with PRIDE!!! Beaming pride.

Dwell on God's truth today... Be inspired... YOU ARE THE HEAD AND NOT THE TAIL. YOU ARE!

Life Goes On

Yesterday marked the eighth year that my dad passed away. It seems like yesterday. It is just as raw and sad as ever at the mark of each year. Life has a way of healing us in time. However, there is no healing when you lose a loved one. Time is suppose to heal all wounds, but the wound we get when someone one of a kind in your life dies never fully heals. I am discovering after eight years of missing and hurting from the loss of my dad that it is okay to be wounded. It is okay to miss someone, and hurt for them when they leave us. It is okay!

I use to feel guilty whenever I cried or felt sad about my dad. It has been eight years after all, I should be over it by now. Truth is... I am coming to realize that I don't have to feel guilty about missing my dad, and I sure don't have to get over it. I may never get over it. For the rest of my life I will miss him, think of him, and wish to God he was here with me to share life. Life does go on... but it would be better if he was here. It really would. It is okay that I think that. I use to think I had no faith because I was so wounded over losing my dad. Honestly, I grew leaps and bounds in faith because of the wound of losing my dad. This quote says it all:

"A wounded deer leaps the highest."
-Emily Dickinson

Life goes on... eight years of life have gone on. I feel stronger, faster and more capable to leap over the obstacles that life throws my way. I may be wounded but boy can I leap!!! Life goes on and I am ready! Still missing dad, but READY!