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Tuesday, February 21, 2012


Inadequacy... this word has haunted me all of my life. I have felt, tasted, lived and breathed this word. I have believed the lie of this word. Believed it stronger and harder than any other belief I have ever believed. Why? Why do I fall prey to this lie over and over again? Why?

I try to go over in my head where the lie of inadequacy first began it's deadly assault upon my life. The war was waged quite early in my life. I was led to believe I was an accident, led to believe that I was not good enough and led to believe that I would NEVER measure up.

I was picked over in gym, never given much of a glance from any teachers and I was certainly the brunt of many cruel and hurtful remarks by my fellow classmates most of my school year days. Yes, I was bullied. Beat up. Overlooked. Ignored. Made fun of. I was all of these things, summing up that I was INADEQUATE! NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

Here are some synonyms for inadequate : inapt, incompetent; incommensurate; defective, imperfect, incomplete.

My whole life I felt the burden of all of these words in my life. Every last one of them. These words have either screamed in my face or whispered in my ear that I am a failure. I will never succeed. I am the tail not the head. Stomping every last bit of hope I have ever had to succeed.

I have been trying to retrain my mind with God's promise of who I am and what I am worth. Reminding myself on a daily occasion that I am worth the death of an innocent man. I am priceless and valuable. I am the kid of the King of Kings. I can do ALL things... and the list goes on. Why do I have to work so hard to believe truth rather than lies? Why am I so deceived by the lie of inadequacy? When will I learn... finally learn that God will not abandon me as others have. He will perfect me. Fine tune me...

"The LORD will fulfill [his purpose] for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever--do not abandon the works of your hands."
Psalm 138:8

I will remember this instead of that. I am not inadequate, I am being perfected!

Sunday, February 12, 2012

I Am Created On Purpose

I have been learning that the noise inside my head can be silenced. The lies that have held on tight to my mindset all of these years can be transformed by truth. I can finally see the light in the dark places. A break in the clouds. A rainbow after the storm. It is here. It has always been here. My views of them have just been limited. Limited by the mountain... by the thick smoke... by the heavy rain. But, the mountain has been removed, the smoke has lifted and the rain has stopped. NO MORE LIES!

I believed for the longest time I was not wanted or planned. I thought I was an accident. I was told that I was a huge surprise to my parents. My mom had thought she was in menopause when she discovered she was pregnant for me. She had no idea I was there. I took her by surprise. There is a nine year gap between me and my oldest sister. Although my mom and dad have always told me they loved me and that I brought joy to their lives, just knowing I was not planned and came as a surprise somehow made me think I was not wanted... I was an inconvenience. I am not sure why this lie gripped it's ugly grip into my soul, my essence... but it has. It has in ways that have really held me back. In ways that have made me think for the longest time, I don't fit in... I'm not good enough and I will never be of any great importance.

I struggled my whole life with the carrying of the burden that I was not wanted. It has shown up in my schooling, when I was at the bottom of the class. It has shown up in my friendships, when I have held on too tight thinking I will be rejected. It has shown up in my marriage, when I have thought that I could never be the woman my husband really wants. It has shown up in my parenting, thinking I will never be a good enough mother. I have been insecure about who I am and what I am worth my entire existence. But the lies stop now! I choose from this day forward to apply the truth of God's word as to who I am and what I am worth.

" And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows."
Luke 12:7

I am of value. Great value. I am cared for and loved by a God that comes close enough to count the very hairs on my head. He knows me. He sees me. He loves me. I was not an accident. I was created on purpose! God has a plan, a very important mission for me to accomplish. The lies stop today! I will believe what He says about me. I will believe I have a purpose, I have a meaning, I AM WANTED, I AM USEFUL! are you!

Friday, February 10, 2012

The Unbeaten Path

Life is filled with bumpy roads. I just hit a huge crater recently. I have two teenage boys... need I say more? My oldest son is like a big jack hammer. He creates BIG holes in the road. He doesn't mean to. He just does. So... I have to keep driving. No matter what! Drive past the gigantic holes that my son makes as he jackhammers away in his life, in my life and in our lives as a family.

I love my kids with all of my heart, but boy is it difficult being a good parent in today's world. I know... there is nothing new under the sun, but I have to tell you it looks to me like a whole new world out there these days then the world I knew as a teenager. The inter net is wonderful, but it opens doors of opportunities that I would rather my two boys not have the key to open.

My kids are really good kids, but they are not perfect. They make mistakes. They make holes in the road, making your journey as a parent more challenging. There are moments in my day where I just want to throw in the towel because it seems I will never get past the craters that they create. Then God comes in like a flood and assures me I am well equipped to get by. There is a old dirty, bumpy and winding side road I can take as a detour and I will reach my final destination. Sure... there may be a delay in me getting there. But, I WILL GET THERE!

I am trying to enjoy the scenery along the way with each unbeaten path I have to take. I am amazed at the wonderful things I am able to see, that I might not have seen have I taken the freeway the whole way. Life is full of surprises that way.

"Adversity is the first path to truth."
Lord Byron

This quote says it well. Adversity causes us to find truth. When we have to face something difficult we finally discover, surprisingly discover:

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:26

...Even on the unbeaten path!

Friday, February 3, 2012

Peace Is A Gift

Sometimes life is so busy you can barely catch your breath. My life has been this busy lately. I use to get all worked up when life was in hyper speed. Now... I just go with it. Time has a way of mellowing us. The things I use to do and the responses I use to have are so far removed from my life these days. I am much more at peace with life and with myself now. Before I use to get all out of whack, now I just roll with the punches. Even the hard punches. I have learned over the years that life is very unpredictable and we cannot control it. I use to try to control it and get so frustrated when things did not turn out the way that I wanted them to. Now, I just let go. The strings of control that I white knuckle gripped onto I have turned over to God. I let go and let Him have them. He is now in control. So... when things get crazy in my life I know I am in good hands. That it will all be okay. He is there holding me... guiding me... making all things new, refreshed and wonderful! God gives us the greatest gift when we let go and allow Him full control of our lives. PEACE.... PURE PEACE! A peace that takes away all fear of trouble, problems and the hard hits that life sometimes gives us. I pray you all find this peace.

"I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid."
-John 14:27

Monday, January 23, 2012

It Is Still Only Monday

It is amazing how many times in one day I wish my life away. I wish this work day was over... I wish it was Friday when it is only Monday... Why do I do this? Why can't I just enjoy the moment I am in... Savor it... Relax in it. Why?
I am trying to teach myself to be content in ALL things. To not whine so much over things that I have no control over and cannot change. I can't make it Friday when it is still only Monday... So, why wish it was when it is not? Why do I wish life away?
Do not be anxious about anything... NADA... NOTHING!!! I think this scripture includes what day I want it to be.
There is one thing I know for certain: Life is short, really short! We are only given a certain number of days on earth so why do I spend some of those precious moments of my numbered days wishing life away? On the contrary I should live in the right here, right now moments or I will miss the beauty... the priceless, precious beauty of the moment.
So... today I chose to live in the moment... To be thankful for the right now... Even though it is still only Monday.

"Let him who would enjoy a good future waste none of his present."
-Roger Babson

Sunday, January 22, 2012

The Head And Not The Tail

"The LORD will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the LORD your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never at the bottom."
-Deuteronomy 28:13

I AM the head and not the tail... these words are so inspirational to me. I AM!! You are!! We do not have to feel like failures the rest of our lives. We are not failures, we are not on the bottom... we are ON THE TOP! First choice, a stand out from the rest.

I am allowing these words to penetrate through years of feeling like I will never amount to anything. I am allowing GOD'S WORD to penetrate the lies I have believed for far to long. I AM favored, blessed, redeemed, sanctified... a STAND OUT. I AM!!! These are the things I focus on now. I will never focus on what I have failed at no longer. I will never dwell on all of the places in my life that I have fallen. I will instead dwell on the truth of God's word... I AM THE HEAD AND NOT THE TAIL. I AM!!! I will dwell on this. Yes, I have fallen a million numbers of times... I have gotten up stronger EVERY time, and I am still going. Yes, I have failed too many times to count... but, I have been successful way more times then I have failed. His success is my crown of glory. I will wear that crown with PRIDE!!! Beaming pride.

Dwell on God's truth today... Be inspired... YOU ARE THE HEAD AND NOT THE TAIL. YOU ARE!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Life Goes On

Yesterday marked the eighth year that my dad passed away. It seems like yesterday. It is just as raw and sad as ever at the mark of each year. Life has a way of healing us in time. However, there is no healing when you lose a loved one. Time is suppose to heal all wounds, but the wound we get when someone one of a kind in your life dies never fully heals. I am discovering after eight years of missing and hurting from the loss of my dad that it is okay to be wounded. It is okay to miss someone, and hurt for them when they leave us. It is okay!

I use to feel guilty whenever I cried or felt sad about my dad. It has been eight years after all, I should be over it by now. Truth is... I am coming to realize that I don't have to feel guilty about missing my dad, and I sure don't have to get over it. I may never get over it. For the rest of my life I will miss him, think of him, and wish to God he was here with me to share life. Life does go on... but it would be better if he was here. It really would. It is okay that I think that. I use to think I had no faith because I was so wounded over losing my dad. Honestly, I grew leaps and bounds in faith because of the wound of losing my dad. This quote says it all:

"A wounded deer leaps the highest."
-Emily Dickinson

Life goes on... eight years of life have gone on. I feel stronger, faster and more capable to leap over the obstacles that life throws my way. I may be wounded but boy can I leap!!! Life goes on and I am ready! Still missing dad, but READY!

Monday, January 16, 2012

I Am Learning

I am learning that I am not the tail, I am the head. I am not the bottom, I am the top. I am not forgotten, I am chosen. I am not last, I am first. I am learning that God's favor is on me. That God actually has my best interest at heart. I am learning that I have life and not death ahead of me. I am learning that I was not put on this earth to merely survive, I was put on this earth to have a more abundant life. I am learning that He did not turn His face against me and abandon me, His face shines radiantly upon me. He sees me. He knows me by name. I am the apple of His eye.

I am learning that my cup is not half empty, it is full and overflowing. I am learning that the place I reside is not desolate and empty, but plenteous and flourishing. I am learning that the trees of the field are not barren, but indeed are bearing an abundance of ripe, delicious fruit. The streams in the desert are not dry, but they overflow. There is abundance here. There is prosperity here.

I am learning that life is meant to be enjoyed not forebode. Life is meant to be lived moment to moment and not wished away. Life is a gift, to be opened with excitement. A gift from a loving Father that cares about us with such detail. HE CARES ABOUT US.

I am learning, soaking this all in.... GOD CARES DEEPLY ABOUT ME!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

No Words...

I am at a loss for words today... this whole week really. It happens sometimes. You don't know what to say because there is just too much going on around you. I have learned that even though I am committed to writing I sometimes have no words to write. I am realizing that days like this are okay. It is okay not to have the words to say or write. Sometimes we have to just sit back and absorb life. Hold our breath, hold our tongue, and let our fingers rest from writing. To just step back from it all and watch. Watch what is happening. Live what is happening. Be in the moment while it happens.

Right now, this whole past year actually I have had to step back from life, words and stories... and just live in the moment. Live today. Live right now. Life is complicated, delicate and requires tremendous effort sometimes. Yet, life also has it's moments of effortlessness and free flowing waves and bursts. No matter where you are in life take a moment to just step back and admire the fine piece of artistic masterpiece that your life really is.

"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."
Ephesians 2:10

Life... our life is a masterpiece created by a master mind. There is so much beauty that words cannot describe. So look close... admire.... be still for a moment and just bask in the priceless beauty that He created in this moment. He planned something wonderful. Something beatiful. No words can describe it. NO WORDS AT ALL.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

There Is ALWAYS Someone Else

Today I learned that a friend of mine lost her beloved boyfriend. He died suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack on December twenty eighth. I was shocked when she walked into the church crying, I asked her what was wrong and she told me; "Les died." This particular woman has been a single mom for as long as I have known her. She after many, many years of being a single mom finally finds a wonderful man to date and was head over heals in love with him and he dies suddenly. It makes me think.... there is always someone else in your life that has it harder than you. There is always someone else that is facing a more trying time than you. ALWAYS!

Today is the first day of the New Year. A BRAND NEW YEAR! I am reminded today of all days, that despite whatever petty things I had to endure in 2011 they cannot even compare to what my friend has to go through by losing the love of her life at the start of this New Year. I must never forget what grief feels like. When I lost my dad to cancer... grief flooded my heart and soul like a river. It made me more sensitive to life and how vunerable it is, and how we only have one life here on earth to live. How every day brings us closer to death. How there is no guarantee for any of us that we will be here tomorrow. These realities made me see life for what it was. Precious, priceless and limited. The taste of grief is bitter but very important. It opens up our taste buds of life and makes us more sensitive to the sweetness when it comes our way. It makes this scripture come to life for me;

"Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him."
Psalm 34:8

We can taste the salt in our tears, the bitterness of grief and pain... and we can also taste and see that GOD IS GOOD. His goodness cleans our pallets after we have to taste the bitter moments we sometimes have to taste. He is good and I know He will comfort my friend in her loss the way he comforted me when I lost my dad. There is always someone else. Pray for those someone else's. They could be standing right next to you this very moment. Perhaps your prayer or words can be the something sweet they need right now to see that He is good.