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Thursday, August 12, 2010


So yesterday, I was feeling more free then I have in years. Free because I was letting go of so many of the things that so easily entangled me. Free because I was forgiving and loosening the chains that were so heavy around me. I felt like I had just been let out of a dark, dreary prison cell with no window. I was just released from that cell and let out into a beautiful Summer Garden, filled with the most fragrant, colorful flowers and humming birds. Then BOOM! Out of nowhere I get a phone call. It is the Image Center where I had my annual mammogram on Monday. They called to tell me they need me to come in for further tests because they had saw something on my mammogram that they were concerned about. In a dazed confusion I made my appointment for next Thursday, August 19th at 11:00. I hung up the phone and felt numb. I felt scared, confused, deflated and numb. Like the air of my lungs was punched out from me. Like my new found Summer garden had just turned into a tornado. The peace before the storm they call it. Well, not just a storm a tornado or earth quake was more like how I am feeling right now. I went online several times yesterday and looked up breast cancer. I found courageous stories, sad stories, stories of hope and stories of horrible tragedy. But, no comfort. I was even late for my Thin Within Chat last night because I got so caught up with looking at Breast Cancer on the inter net. I don't even like to think about it but it is possible. Everyone of my family members told me not to worry until I know for sure why they called me back for more tests. But, I am worried. I saw my dad get taken away from me at age 66 from Prostrate Cancer 6 years ago. Cancer is a horrific disease. I saw someone in my life waste away from it before my very eyes. Here one minute, gone the next and he did not want to go yet. So here I am in a new freedom and now this. There has to be a reason? Food is the last thing on my mind. In fact I have to force myself to eat today if my stomach growls, because I am not even interested in food at all. So yes, this blog is about my weight lose journey. But today this blog is about me. My life. My story. I do not want to die. I am not sure if that is even a possibility, but just the thought that something may be wrong with me forces me to examine the subject. I am not ready to leave my family. My mom, sisters and brothers, husband and children and my baby dogs. I do not want to leave yet. But, what if God has written the last chapter of my life? What if it is time to live my last chapter? Would I be as courageous as my dad and accept the fatal blow of cancer? Would I be able to drink from the bitter cup of death? He says that He does not give us anything that we can't handle. I pray I am not strong enough to handle this so that He does not give it to me. I don't want it. I want to live longer. I want to see my kids grow up, get married and start families of their own. I want to live to see my grand kids get married and have kids. We all want a long life. We all want the good things in life. But, sometimes we have to drink from the bitter cup. Walk in the shadows. Crawl among the ashes. It is just the way things are sometimes. He is Sovereign. He has a plan. He has a start and a finish for all of us. Please pray for me today. I need your prayers. I am scared. But, I also trust in my Sovereign King who holds my future in His loving hands. God blessing to you all today. Kiss your kids and loved ones and hold them close today. Life is short.


Mrs. Sheila said...

God brought you to this freedom just in time, to now get you to trust in Him a bit deeper with this new turn of events. As someone looking from the outside in, I can see where the situation is like God saying "Okay. YOu have found a bit of trust in me with your food. Now... let's see if YOU will trust me with a bit more." Angelina, this is a the next step to complete freedom. I feel it! And I also think you are going to be fine ~ no matter the outcome. God has a plan and a purpose for this part of your story. Praying for you to be overwhelmed with joy, peace, and an understanding that blows your socks off!

angelina said...

Thank you so much Mrs. Sheila. What a blessing that was to me today. I don't even know you and I feel like I have known you forever. Like you are a dear old friend. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and your prayers. Here is to my complete freedom!

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