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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

A New Day

So today is a new day. A day where I am forced to go even deeper. I was forced to deal with an issue in my life that I was afraid to look at. That I really did not want to even touch with a ten foot pole. But, someone else's courage to speak out about a certain topic opened a door of opportunity for me to do the same. The topic is of a mature nature. Sexual Addiction. Not my addiction but someone else's addiction that has effected me personally. A loved one whom I care deeply about has had a pornographic addiction for a long time. I have personally known about it for 12 years now. But, I am sure it started long before I discovered it. How does this person's addiction relate to me personally? Well, you see this person means a great deal to me. He is my best friend really. When he decides to look at porn instead of spend time with me it makes me feel rejected by him. It makes me run to food instead of God. Sounds silly I know. But it is so very painfully true. When I feel rejected I run to food. When I feel unloved I run to food. When I feel like I am not good enough I run to food. I am safe with my food. It won't hurt me. It will make me feel better. It is always there for me when I need it.
In truth food is hurting me. It is making me feel worse about myself then my friend makes me feel. It is not the answer or the solution to my rejection problem. As a matter of fact food makes me feel more rejected.
Imagine being told by someone you love and care about that they do not want to be with you because you are too fat. Well this special person that I mentioned in this post told me that once. Given we were in a heated argument at the time and usually he would never say something so hurtful to me. But, he did. Those words resonated with me for many years, adding pounds to the scale with each painful thought. Words. How powerful they are. But, actions are more powerful. The fact that my special friend would prefer a pornographic inter net encounter over a real person to person relationship with me drove me to food in a way that caused me to gain weight like crazy. The hurts, wounds and scars in life should not drive us to food. On the contrary, they should cause us to run in the arms of the one that loves us unconditionally. The one that loves us in spite of the weight. The one who can take the very things that knock us down in life and use them to get us back up again.
Do not let the short comings of others bring you any where but to His feet. Sobbing uncontrollably if you have to.

" He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever."
>Revelation 21:4

I feel lighter in my heart then I have in years. All because the courage of others. Others who have walked where I am walking now and have survived and grown. These messages of hope have given me the courage to know beyond the shadow of a doubt, I can face the things in my life that plague my heart and conquer them. I can run to God and find freedom. I can sit in His presence and cry for hours and walk away in freedom. This freedom comes by His glorious light. A light that illuminates the dark places in our lives and brings us hope for our future. There is nothing too dark that the light of His love cannot shine upon and set us free from. I feel the light of His life in my life. I am finally breaking free out of the dark places. Nothing anyone does or says to me can take this light from me. You too can have this light in your life. You can feel freedom like never before. If I can, you can. Prayerfully, my special friend can too.

"When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."
John 8:12


Heidi Bylsma said...

Oh dear Angelina...what a wonderful post. God is TRULY doing a new thing! I am so blessed to get to witness his Spirit at work in and through you! May I share your post with others in my network of followers? Or you can at my blog if you like. I would welcome you doing that. Maybe I will create a post for people to do that very thing...Anyhow, thank you for your courage. You are so precious to him. And you may end up wanting to talk to someone with skin on...someone who can help. I hope you will look into the possibilities in your area. There may be a Christian counseling center associated with another church in your town if you feel you can't go to your own church (many don't feel like they can do that for obvious reasons). There is nothing wrong with talking to God *and* to another person with skin on who is trained to help us think through things. Praying for you and your healing.

angelina said...

You can share my post with anyone you like. I plan to go to a dear Pastor friend of my father's and my husband has agreed to go with me. God is amazing!! He can do miracles! Thank you for your prayers.

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