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Sunday, July 25, 2010

Lessons from a Red and Blue Bird

I remember looking out my kitchen window into my back yard. There they were two birds. Sitting on a branch looking right in the window at me. I began to cry. Cry hard. A cleansing cry.
Why did I cry over seeing birds? They are just birds. To you maybe they are just birds, but to me they were an answer to a heartfelt prayer. A desperate prayer that needed a definite answer. These birds were that answer.
You see not only did I feel like a failure my whole life but, I also felt like God had abandoned me too. Like He too felt like I was a failure and He too wanted nothing to do with me. I felt isolated from Him, alone and abandoned.
So onto my next breakthrough. As God started to unravel me through my journey through the book Thin Within He started digging in my heart. Going through the closets of my soul. Rearranging things. First he showed me how I ran to food because I felt like a failure. Next He showed me how I ran to food because I felt like I was abandoned and alone. I felt lonely. This discovery was even more painful then the Failure discovery. I wept like a baby again. I never realized until that moment how lost and alone I really felt deep down inside. I really felt alone my whole life. I had a big family, great parents who never divorced, and I always had a best friend and a boyfriend that I can remember. How could I feel abandoned and alone when I always had people in my life that loved me? The answer may surprise you. I felt alone because even though I had a great life I still felt alone in it. Miserable and alone. I felt this way because I had serious doubts that God could love someone like me. Someone ordinary. What good am I? I am nothing! I am alone!
Basking in the misery of this discovery I SCREAM cried out to God: "Why God? Why am I even here? What good am I?" I trembled and cried some more. Snot everywhere. There was only silence. Why wasn't He answering me? You see I am abandoned. I needed a sign that He loved me and that I was worth something. Anything. So I prayed, well I challenged God really. I know we shouldn't challenge God, but He knows I needed to do this to find the answer I so wanted to find. I asked God to send me a sign that He was truly with me all of the time. That I was not abandoned and alone in this God forsaken place. That He indeed loved me and had a plan for me and would stay by my side always. I asked Him for something hard. I love birds and I never see red or blue ones, ever. I usually only see crows or robins. So I asked God to send me two birds. One blue and one red. Thinking in the back of my mind, never. This will never happen. I am setting myself up to fail here.
Later that day as I was doing dishes at the sink I was starring out the window. I had totally forgotten about the prayer I prayed earlier as I was just doing the mundane things I always do when I take care of my family. Then I glanced out of the window at my tree. A red blur caught my eye. There she was beautiful as ever sitting on a tree branch. A red bird. Alongside her was a blue bird. I dropped the dirty pan in my hand, fell to my knees and cried. My dogs, went crazy barking, my kids thought I was crazy and my husband just rolled his eyes and walked out of the room. But I, I stayed on the floor weeping in sheer joy knowing I am not alone. He is with me always. He will never leave me or forsake me. I am not abandoned. I am loved and watched over. My life is worth something. What a cleansing moment. I hope you have a moment like this too. Instead of running to food because I fell lonely I remember this moment and run to God instead. His presence is better then how any food could taste when I am not hungry.

Hebrews 13:5 "...Never will I leave thee or forsake thee."


Amy said...

I'm reading through some of your older posts and appreciating them so much. Your authenticity and growth in the Lord are evident and inspiring. Had to comment on this one in particular because God has used birds to speak to me as well:)
Doing dishes and asking Him if He's hearing. . . and there's a bird hovering at the window. Walking and again asking Him if He's hearing. . . and a bird flies right in front of me. It's encouraging and even fun when He communicates in these fascinating ways.

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