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Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Back to Work I Go

My life of leisure is over. Summer was a wonderful time for me. A time of renewal and freedom. Literally! Now reality has sunk in. I am back at work. Back to the grind. I am okay with that. For the first time in like forever I am okay with working again. I was always resentful towards my husband for not making enough money to support us, and leaving me no option but to have a full time job to help with financial obligations. When we were first married it was a joy to work. I was full time teacher in a Christian School. I was able to teach ABC's and Jesus. It was wonderful. When I became pregnant for my first son Christian 16 years ago, I decided I couldn't take leaving him, so I resigned from my teaching position. But, my husband said I needed to continue to make money, so I began a babysitting business in our beautiful home. I watched 2 other kids along with my son. It was a nice time. But, very hectic and busy. I can remember the parents of the two boys I babysat getting upset with me if I had to take a day off or schedule vacations. I felt trapped in my own home sometimes. Then I had a second son and well, things just got really hard. But, I had no choice but to go thorough the storm of babysitting and taking care of my new baby. We needed the money. During these years I began to get more and more resentful towards my husband. I didn't even know that I was feeling this way. It just kinda happened. Little by little the feelings of resentfulness festered into feelings of hate. I hated my husband for making me work when all I really wanted was to be a stay at home mom with my own 2 kids and no other kids in sight. The joy of being a teacher left me completely and I was just a baby sitter now. Not a really happy one, but one who just went through the motions of doing the job right. I was a good babysitter don't get me wrong. I went above and beyond most days, because I do love kids. But in my heart I was just not really happy with my life. I had this burning inside me that I was made for more than what I was doing. My poor husband was the target of my frustration of not living my dream life. I didn't do it deliberately, or intentional, but I did shut him out of my heart for a very long time. I wrote him off as being someone who could never fulfill my hearts desire. I learned something this summer. I learned through Thin Within that no one can fulfill our hearts desire ever! Only God can fill the God shaped hole that we try to fill with other people or things. It's like putting a round peg in a square hole when we try to put people and our jobs in place of what only God can fill. I learned that life can be difficult and hard sometimes. There are seasons in our lives when we feel like we are in a dark storm, and other season's in our lives when the storm finally lifts and we find a colorful rainbow after the storm. That is where I am now. I have released the resentfulness I had for my husband all of those years for making me work when I didn't want to, and I have felt so free in doing so. I can finally look out over my life and see the rainbow instead of the clouds. That is why it is okay that I am back at work. I am fine with working to help meet the needs of my family now. Because I am being fulfilled by God in my heart and I am not looking for my husband to fill something he was not meant to fill. I am looking to the one who is, can and was meant to fill me. Jesus! My Savior, friend and the one who brings rainbows after a storm.


Mrs. Sheila said...

I so enjoyed reading this, this morning. I too was resentful not towards my husband but his attitude towards my work (I teach in a Christian preschool, and let's just say, money is not the focus there!). IT's like it was or never would be enough. But guess what?! I am fullfilled, happy, and now he see's that, and trusts that I am in the place God has called me.

Welcome back to school!

angelina said...

Be happy my friend. That is what God wants for all of us. I use to teach at a Christian Pre- School. I know what the pay is like. Trust me. Enjoy bringing Jesus to the hearts of all the little ones you teach. You cause a ripple effect in their lives that last a lifetime. Blessings to you!

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