I Write for His Comment

Sometimes when I write I wonder if anyone is out there reading. It is rare that I get any comments. But to be honest I do not write for any one's comment. I write for my own well being. I was born to write. This I know. God impressed upon my heart to write before I even knew how to spell. Since I was a young girl I had kept journals. Writing poems and thoughts. I have one journal I keep just thoughts. It may be a random thought that just pops into my head from something I hear or see. It may be a response to something I am feeling, and I just write it down in my journal. When I was twelve I wrote this:

"Fear is to be regretfully inclined to think."

Why I wrote this or where I heard this is beyond me. But today when I read what I wrote over 20 years ago I am inspired by it. Writing is something I do to inspire myself. Every word I gather on paper or that I type onto this blog is for future reference for me to forever be inspired in this life I have been given. Sometimes I journal about certain events in my life that occur and how I am effected by them. These words serve as a reminder to me of how God moves in my life through all the clutter and noise. For example here is a piece of my journal about a particularly difficult time in my life. At the time when I wrote this I did not see God's hand in the situation but now in retrospect as I look back and reread what I was feeling I can see God all over it. Allow me to share this journal entry with you on 5/11/05;

" My emotions are surging inside of me. My doubts and anger have gotten the best of me. I am in doubt of God , in doubt of my faith and in doubt of what is real or true. If God is loving, powerful and merciful why did my dad die? It has been a year and a half and I am more upset now then when it happened. I guess the reality of my dad NEVER coming back is what is triggering this. He is gone forever. This pisses me off! Why in the world did God take him? What good was that decision to me? I can't take it at all! God if you are real prove yourself to me! Show me your love and mercy. Let me feel you again. Do you even care how I feel? Or is your back turned to me in anger the way my back is turned to you? My life makes no sense anymore. WHERE ARE YOU? I am waiting patiently, well really impatiently for you to come and rescue me. Will you come to my rescue? "

In response to this I wrote this as I felt they were God's words back to me;

"I am here. I will never leave and I have never left. My back will never turn to you in anger. I am holding you and embracing you through your tantrum. I will wait patiently for you to cry away your doubts, fears, hurt and pain. I will hold you through every fit and tear. I will be there with a bottle to capture every tear that you cry. I love you unconditionally. Even when you close the door in my face and lock it, I will wait outside that locked door until it opens again and let's me back in. I understand your anger. I have answers for your your doubts. I have comfort for your pain. I am closer then a whisper, I am nearer then your own breath. I will hold you and shelter you through this tsunami. I will not allow anything to be stolen from you or washed away in this storm of grief that you are in the midst of. I know how you hurt. I know how unprotected you feel. I will fill the void with my presence. I will calm the storm with my words. I will bring you understanding for your pain. I will answer every question that you have in due time. Trust me for today, this moment in time. Trust me for tomorrow, every moment that lies ahead. Know that the past has a purpose for reshaping you today. All of the heart aches, sorrow, pain, and uncertainty of yesterday is just as important as the victories, triumphs and gains of yesterday. I am reshaping you. Even though it hurts at times, and you cannot see the shape right now, you will see it all in the future. The shape I am forming you into is intricate and detailed. Beautiful beyond measure and priceless as any hidden treasure. Be patient during the reshaping process and know that I have your best interest at heart. I love you with a love that is more intense then you have ever known and even though this loves rips and shreds it also restores, reshapes and beautifies you."

I write my heart to God and He writes back. He reads everything I have to say and comments. So although I do not get comments every day on my blog. I get comments every day in my heart from God. That is enough for me to keep writing. I write to him my love letter and he always writes back!

"I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers!"
Isaiah 62:24