So.... I have asthma. I was astounded when I was diagnosed with it 2 years ago. I was always very active. I ran eight miles a day when I was in school. After I had my kids I would bike for miles with them in tow. Then out of nowhere a couple of years ago I started losing my breath doing the simplest of things. I was even waking up in the middle of the night not able to breath or catch my breath. At first I thought it was panic attacks. Or rather, everyone I know that I explained my symptoms to told me it was panic attacks. Isn't it amazing how people you know become doctors and immediately diagnose you when you are having any kind of weird symptom. One friend of mine even convinced me that I was dying of lung cancer. So... I decided to call the real doctor and get this thing checked out. As I sat in the doctors office after explaining all of my symptoms and getting an x-ray, I was anxiously awaiting her diagnosis. She decided that there was incredible density in my lungs and referred me to a pulmonary specialist. I had to wait 2 weeks before I would see him though. During that time... I was convinced I was dying of stage 4 lung cancer. It was the most horrific time of my life. Just not knowing what was wrong with me, and expecting the worst case scenario to be wrong with me put me into a state of mind that I hope I never have to revisit any time soon. My incredible husband and adoring children reminded me every day that I was going to be okay. That there was no way God was going to take me from them. They were my Jonathan's as I was experiencing a David moment in life. After the two week of waiting was over, many tears were shed, and many sleepless nights passed I got my answer. No it was not stage 4 lung cancer... it was simply asthma. Adult onset asthma to be exact. All of the density in my lungs was merely scar tissue from having pneumonia so much as a child.
PHEW! I can't tell you the relief I felt. The doctor prescribed singular and a emergency inhaler. Two years later I am still on these medications and breathing much better. However, it is amazing what a thought of having an incurable disease such as stage 4 lung cancer can do to a person. This moment in my life changed the direction of which I was going. It caused me to rethink my life. Rethink my future. Rethink what really mattered.
As I reflect over this past year in preparation for entering into a New Year days from now, I can't help but remember how blessed I am. Yes, there are experiences this year I wished I hadn't had to experienced. There were moments I had hoped I had not had to live. But, mostly there was experiences and moments I am so thankful for. I want to enter this New Year being ever so thankful for the many blessings as well as the many trials I have faced. It is the bumps in the road that make us more resilient and stronger to face each new day.
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward."
Author Unknown
Monday, December 26, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Christmas Morning
This Christmas was a bit different then any other Christmas. I spent Christmas Eve at the Hospital with my mom. She felt like she was dying, so we called the ambulance. Thankfully it was just heart burn. But none the less I spent a few hours in the ER with my mom. This made me see things in a different perspective in my life. It is amazing what a trip to the ER can do to a person.
Just when you think you have all your ducks in a row, and life could not get any better. Seriously, what is better then Christmas with your whole family surrounding you? Then BOOM! You are in the ER, thinking the worst. Hoping for the best. Praying for a miracle. As my mom was breathing breath and being diagnosed with a non lifethreatening illness, someone in that same ER was taking their last breath. Family members gathered, saying their last goodbye. Life becomes clearer to the living. More vivid, more hopeful. But, for those who lose someone... on Christmas Eve, there life becomes a little dimmer.
So, as you gather around your Christmas trees, or Christmas dinner tables today remember this quote by Charles Dickens.
"I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round, as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys."
Look around you. People everywhere. Happy and hurting, Joyful and tearful, Rejoicing and greiving... they are everywhere... Spread to all the Christmas cheer:
"For unto us was born this day a savior JESUS CHRIST THE LORD."
Luke 2:11
Just when you think you have all your ducks in a row, and life could not get any better. Seriously, what is better then Christmas with your whole family surrounding you? Then BOOM! You are in the ER, thinking the worst. Hoping for the best. Praying for a miracle. As my mom was breathing breath and being diagnosed with a non lifethreatening illness, someone in that same ER was taking their last breath. Family members gathered, saying their last goodbye. Life becomes clearer to the living. More vivid, more hopeful. But, for those who lose someone... on Christmas Eve, there life becomes a little dimmer.
So, as you gather around your Christmas trees, or Christmas dinner tables today remember this quote by Charles Dickens.
"I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round, as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys."
Look around you. People everywhere. Happy and hurting, Joyful and tearful, Rejoicing and greiving... they are everywhere... Spread to all the Christmas cheer:
"For unto us was born this day a savior JESUS CHRIST THE LORD."
Luke 2:11
Thursday, July 21, 2011
I Am A Writer
Yes... I have taken a few days off of writing again. It is Summer and in the Summer you take vacation. I was on vacation for a few days. Now I am back again.
So while I was on vacation, I got to thinking... Thinking that, life is really short and it is so important to follow your dreams before time runs out to achieve them. My dream, since I can remember, is to become a published author someday. There I said it. Well actually I wrote it. I wrote it out loud for all to read. But, mostly I wrote it out loud for myself to remember. I had forgotten. Forgotten what my passion is. Put it on the back burner of life, and stepped away. Today, I am not going to do that. I am going to instead... run towards my passion to be a published author, embrace it and cease the moment. I am not sure how, or what, or where but I have decided when. TODAY is when. Today Is NOW! I have to fulfill this life long dream. I HAVE TO!
I believe that God puts our dreams and passions in our lives and in our hearts for a reason. I believe that when He knits us together in the wombs He knits those dreams and passions into our very essence for us to become who He predestined us to be. When He knit me together in my Mother's womb He knit me with a pen and journal in my hand. Since I learned how to write, I have been writing. Writing my heart and soul, spilling my guts, recording my dreams and pouring out what He has poured into me with pen onto paper. I am a writer!
I was so fearful to tell others my dream to be a writer. Afraid that if I told people about my dream to be a published author, it would never come true. But, today I am pushing through the fear and confessing to all who reads these words today.... I have a dream... a dream to write, to be heard, to be published and a dream to achieve my goal in becoming a published author. There I said it!!!! I am a writer.
"Therefore write the things which you have seen, and the things which are, and the things which will take place after these things."
Revelation 1:19
So while I was on vacation, I got to thinking... Thinking that, life is really short and it is so important to follow your dreams before time runs out to achieve them. My dream, since I can remember, is to become a published author someday. There I said it. Well actually I wrote it. I wrote it out loud for all to read. But, mostly I wrote it out loud for myself to remember. I had forgotten. Forgotten what my passion is. Put it on the back burner of life, and stepped away. Today, I am not going to do that. I am going to instead... run towards my passion to be a published author, embrace it and cease the moment. I am not sure how, or what, or where but I have decided when. TODAY is when. Today Is NOW! I have to fulfill this life long dream. I HAVE TO!
I believe that God puts our dreams and passions in our lives and in our hearts for a reason. I believe that when He knits us together in the wombs He knits those dreams and passions into our very essence for us to become who He predestined us to be. When He knit me together in my Mother's womb He knit me with a pen and journal in my hand. Since I learned how to write, I have been writing. Writing my heart and soul, spilling my guts, recording my dreams and pouring out what He has poured into me with pen onto paper. I am a writer!
I was so fearful to tell others my dream to be a writer. Afraid that if I told people about my dream to be a published author, it would never come true. But, today I am pushing through the fear and confessing to all who reads these words today.... I have a dream... a dream to write, to be heard, to be published and a dream to achieve my goal in becoming a published author. There I said it!!!! I am a writer.
"Therefore write the things which you have seen, and the things which are, and the things which will take place after these things."
Revelation 1:19
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Family Is Where It Is At
Today I am sitting here just basking in the joy that I have all of my family together right now. You see I have two teenage boys that love to be with their friends all of the time. My one son who is 17 and officially a Senior this year... is absolutely never home. Between working and being out with friends I barely see him any more... and frankly I do not like it. My other son is 13 and just starting to be out all of the time with friends. That is what happens with teenagers, they get to this place of being independent and no longer need you or want you any more. It breaks my heart to let go but I have to. I have to release them and trust God that I have raised them well in Him. Trust God that they will be okay as I do release them into this world.
My oldest just got his drivers license recently and is working really hard and saving money to buy his very first car. I am so proud of him and his work ethic. So very proud that he gets up every day, goes to school, comes home for a few minutes and heads strait to work every night. He did this and maintained a very good grade point average all year. This makes me thankful today.
My other son is just starting to spread his wings to fly. He is a bit more academic then my older son and is really into sports. So instead of going to school and then to work, he goes to school and then stays after for sports or some academic after school event. So I barely see him either. However, I am still thankful that I have a son that is so dedicated to his school work and his school sports. For this I am thankful today.
Even though it is summer and school is out, I am off work and I have more time with my kids... or so you would think. I am still working 2 days a week at a Family Center teaching Parenting Classes, my kids are off with friends most days and life is still being lived and breathed mostly separate from my boys. So, whatever time I do have with them together is time that I cherish.
While they sleep at night you can often find me sneaking into their rooms to kiss them on their foreheads and utter a prayer or two over them. When they are up and moving I am cooking and cleaning up after them with a thankful heart for every moment (even if it is a messy job moment), that I have to be with them and to be their mommy. Today I am thankful for my family... because to me my family is where it is at.
"Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them." Psalm 127:5
My oldest just got his drivers license recently and is working really hard and saving money to buy his very first car. I am so proud of him and his work ethic. So very proud that he gets up every day, goes to school, comes home for a few minutes and heads strait to work every night. He did this and maintained a very good grade point average all year. This makes me thankful today.
My other son is just starting to spread his wings to fly. He is a bit more academic then my older son and is really into sports. So instead of going to school and then to work, he goes to school and then stays after for sports or some academic after school event. So I barely see him either. However, I am still thankful that I have a son that is so dedicated to his school work and his school sports. For this I am thankful today.
Even though it is summer and school is out, I am off work and I have more time with my kids... or so you would think. I am still working 2 days a week at a Family Center teaching Parenting Classes, my kids are off with friends most days and life is still being lived and breathed mostly separate from my boys. So, whatever time I do have with them together is time that I cherish.
While they sleep at night you can often find me sneaking into their rooms to kiss them on their foreheads and utter a prayer or two over them. When they are up and moving I am cooking and cleaning up after them with a thankful heart for every moment (even if it is a messy job moment), that I have to be with them and to be their mommy. Today I am thankful for my family... because to me my family is where it is at.
"Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them." Psalm 127:5
Monday, July 11, 2011
Multitudes on Monday
312. Waking up to the smell of fresh brewed coffee.
313. A full blue sky with a bright yellow sun.
314. The sound of water hitting the rocks.
315. The sound of your husband voice as he whispers sweet nothings in your ear.
316. A son triumph to become a licensed driver.
317. Having just enough.
318. Being needed.
319. Dogs rolling in the dirt after a bath! UGH!
320. Fresh picked tomatoes from a garden.
321. Sweet corn.
322. Cucumber salads.
323. Squishing sand between your toes.
324. The smell of pine.
325. Summer's fire pit.
So thankful for today and the many blessings in my life. Look close there are blessing around every corner!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Sunday Sunshine
I am so happy to be writing again. To be starting my journey to shed weights in my life again. I am trying to get back to the basics of life, of faith and of myself. Sometimes we can get so caught up in the process of life we forget to live life. We forget how far we have come and sometimes take steps backwards instead of forward. I was doing this. That is why I am starting over. I am going back to the simple steps, the abc's of life. The "Jesus Loves Me This I Know" phase. That's right... the way back to Sunday School mode! I am determined to take all the baby steps that I need to get myself back to the place I need to be in Him. Sometimes when we run too fast we miss a step along the way and it forces us to back track to find out where we went wrong. What step did I miss?
I lost sight of myself and more importantly of I lost sight of God somewhere on my journey. No, I did not backslide or go to a place of horrible sin and corruption. I did however, lose something. I lost joy.... I lost the music and the dance and I just started to run. I was running so fast... way to fast to enjoy the journey. Time was moving by at expeditious speed that I could only hear the hum from the speed I was going and I no longer heard His voice. I had to stop. I had to stop running the race I was in and just step back from it all. I stopped writing, I stopped running, I stopped everything. I became still. I wanted to be still and know Him, the great I AM. I wanted to stop and listen for His voice again, for His song again. I wanted to hear... oh how I wanted to hear Him.
I know it tells us in scripture to "run the race set before us..." there is a time and a season to run... run with fervor. But, my time to run was over... it is now my time to just be still and know He is. He is the Sunshine on this Sunday afternoon. He is the silence in the stillness of night and He is here with me ready to sing a new song. I just had to stop running the race and just bask in the presence of Him to learn this. It is my time to learn... running is over for now. I must just sit and learn so that I can run an even bigger race when the time comes. So for now, I bask in Sunday's Sunshine and listen to the great I AM... listen and be still and LEARN.
I lost sight of myself and more importantly of I lost sight of God somewhere on my journey. No, I did not backslide or go to a place of horrible sin and corruption. I did however, lose something. I lost joy.... I lost the music and the dance and I just started to run. I was running so fast... way to fast to enjoy the journey. Time was moving by at expeditious speed that I could only hear the hum from the speed I was going and I no longer heard His voice. I had to stop. I had to stop running the race I was in and just step back from it all. I stopped writing, I stopped running, I stopped everything. I became still. I wanted to be still and know Him, the great I AM. I wanted to stop and listen for His voice again, for His song again. I wanted to hear... oh how I wanted to hear Him.
I know it tells us in scripture to "run the race set before us..." there is a time and a season to run... run with fervor. But, my time to run was over... it is now my time to just be still and know He is. He is the Sunshine on this Sunday afternoon. He is the silence in the stillness of night and He is here with me ready to sing a new song. I just had to stop running the race and just bask in the presence of Him to learn this. It is my time to learn... running is over for now. I must just sit and learn so that I can run an even bigger race when the time comes. So for now, I bask in Sunday's Sunshine and listen to the great I AM... listen and be still and LEARN.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Faithful Friday
Sitting here just thinking.... Thinking about how amazingly faithful God is to me. How no matter what my circumstance or predicament, God is there faithfully standing by my side. He catches me when I fall, comforts me when I am wounded, encourages me to go on when I feel like I can't move and He remains faithful to me when I lose all of my faith in this life.
I have had many faithless moments. Many uncertain minutes. Too many to count days where I have doubted the saving grace of my Savior. Why do I have moments of weakness? Why do I have doubts and faithlessness? I have been saved almost all of my life and I still wonder... wonder if I will make it? Will I make it to see Him face to face? Will my life count for something when I breathe my last breath? Will when I take that final breath move forward to the sound of His voice speaking these words to me; "Well done my faithful servant enter into my Kingdom today."
My hope and prayer and my entire existence really comes down to this... Am I faithful? Am I able to withstand the doubts and fears that arise? Am I able to move forward even in the fiercest moments of combat? Do I remain faithful even in my weakest moments in this life? These are the questions I ask myself today. For I have seen my share of battles. I have carried with me many battle scars in life.... but through it all I have felt the imprint of God in my lifetime. I am His. I am faithfully, fearlessly HIS. I will hold on firmly, with a tight grip to this.
"We must continue to hold firmly to our declaration of faith. The one who made the promise is faithful." Hebrews 10:23
I have had many faithless moments. Many uncertain minutes. Too many to count days where I have doubted the saving grace of my Savior. Why do I have moments of weakness? Why do I have doubts and faithlessness? I have been saved almost all of my life and I still wonder... wonder if I will make it? Will I make it to see Him face to face? Will my life count for something when I breathe my last breath? Will when I take that final breath move forward to the sound of His voice speaking these words to me; "Well done my faithful servant enter into my Kingdom today."
My hope and prayer and my entire existence really comes down to this... Am I faithful? Am I able to withstand the doubts and fears that arise? Am I able to move forward even in the fiercest moments of combat? Do I remain faithful even in my weakest moments in this life? These are the questions I ask myself today. For I have seen my share of battles. I have carried with me many battle scars in life.... but through it all I have felt the imprint of God in my lifetime. I am His. I am faithfully, fearlessly HIS. I will hold on firmly, with a tight grip to this.
"We must continue to hold firmly to our declaration of faith. The one who made the promise is faithful." Hebrews 10:23
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